Warning: If this article does not offend you then you haven’t read it properly.
This handy guide for the local or visitor alike will allows you to cut through the crowd and distinguish one Amsterdam tourist from another based on their look… because we all know that judging somebody on their physical appearance is the best way to build yourself up and get ahead in life.
Chinese or Japanese
The average Chinese/Japanese tourist group, or Cameras Hellokittius, is most commonly seen staring anywhere but straight ahead and often sporting more camera accessories than a Nikon warehouse. Rarely found wandering alone, your typical Chinese or Japanese tourist will most likely be found huddled close together in the middle of a bike lane in packs of 10 strong. Attempting to cut through a cluster of this type of Amsterdam tourist in the middle of Museumplein instead of walking around is not advised, unless you’re looking to fall off the face of the planet into the oriental abyss that is their tour group. Average wandering pace is 13 centimeters per minute, but they’ve been known to hit their stride at around 150 metres per hour if there’s an exciting landmark in close vicinity that must be photographed before sundown.
The average Spanish tourist looks like they’re perpetually freezing from the inside out and prefer to hunt in packs, with males being easily identified by their large boots, long pants, exceptionally large down jacket with fluffy collar and “Amsterdam” beanie, even in Dutch summer. Can be a danger when mounted on a hire bicycle and pose a hazard to other tightly formed tourist groups (see: Chinese/Japanese). Sunglasses (even when it’s overcast) are also a sure sign that said tourists hails from España, and are often used to hide glazed eyes after one too many joints. This classification of Amsterdam tourist can startle easily.
Travel in twos but female forms have been spotted in packs of three to five, and always too overdressed for the activity they’re engaged in. Can be easily identified by the permanently bewildered look slapped across their face, boardshorts and of course, thongs (pluggers, sandals, flip-flops, chandals) even in 0 degree conditions. Best to avoid after dark as mischief and this type of Amsterdam tourist go hand in hand. Share a great deal of similarities with their UK counterparts, including love of binge drinking and inability to control vocal range. Distinguishing between the two can be tricky, however close attention should be paid to skin tone and the fact that Australian’s wouldn’t be caught dead wearing collared Lacoste shirts.
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Neat, tidy, and the only Amsterdam tourist that’s guaranteed to get the best seat on those hop on hop off tour buses. Common hunting and grazing grounds are in the very centre of Amsterdam. Rarely venture past the Prinsengracht canal. Older German tourists are often seen sporting leather sandals, three quarter “shants” (shorts meet pants) and mustard coloured plaid t-shirts. Fanny pack or bum bag optional. Won’t be found on the street during those warmer Dutch days, but instead will most likely be lying next to their hotel pool lathered up in bronzing lotion with deckchair oriented to capture Das Maximum An Sonnenstrahlen. Do not try to challenge for the prime sunbed… you haven’t experienced true fear until you’ve been yelled at in German.
Loves a good time and don’t mind letting you know about it, UK visitors are probably the most easily classifiable Amsterdam tourist. Can be found wearing jeans and shirts/skirts and low-cut tops in summer, or if it’s cold, jeans and shirts/skirts and low-cut tops. Generally found in the Red Light District, Leidseplein, Rembrandtplein, or in the gutter. Most efficient way to tell the difference between a UK tourist and their Aussie/Kiwi counterparts is the colour of their skin, which gives off a milky, almost translucent like glow. To be avoided after 12 at night, unless you’re looking to enter an alcohol induced coma courtesy of your new friends.
Often heard before they’re seen, the primary type of American tourist found in Amsterdam are your late in life couples that have just retired or seen the last child move out of home. “Time to lose ourselves and explore Europe…” with a tour group of course. This Amsterdam tourist loves the t-shirt tucked into jeans with white joggers, or jean shorts, hawaiian shirt and white socks combo. Discernible by their unrelenting politeness and genuine curiosity, the USA tourist is sure to be wowed by all things Dutch, including savoury (as opposed to overtly sweet) pancakes and the lack of oversized pickups dominating the roads. At the end of the day this information is irrelevant really, because the easiest way to tell if they’re from the good ol’ US of A is to spot the American flag that’s most definitely located somewhere on their hat, shirt, bag, wallet, forehead etc.
Did you find this guide helpful? Can you now discern between the cacophony of languages, clutter of clothing and clicking of cameras to identify the correct tourist? Do you fit into one of these stereotypes? Let us know if we’ve missed anything or anyone!