Having recently moved from the States, I have now stumbled through a fair number of familial Dutch birthday parties with some great misunderstanding. I have written the following based on my own observations, and what I expect (not unhappily) to do myself in the future. Please, fellow expats, feel free to refer to this guide as needed.

It’s your birthday in The Netherlands! What does this mean?

  • You must pay for everything.

    This is not America where people buy you dinner and beer. Here, you must buy everyone else beer. Here, you must bring treats to your co-workers. This is a day to remind people that you have been born, and hopefully win over a few additional supporters of your existence. No Dutch affection is easily won. You must fight for it with cake and brownies, each year, forever.

  • You must host your own party.

    A typical Dutch birthday will include tea and cake, and then afterwards a meal of some sort. During the tea and cake part, usually you will go around a circle, and serve your guests. There is no “help yourself” at the table. You, as mentioned above, are the birthday person and therefore expected to serve and provide.

“Here’s some raw Filet Americain all!”
  • Expect that people are going to congratulate the hell out of everyone close to you.

    Your spouse, your uncle, your parents. It’s your birthday, and that means everyone you’re close to is also going to get some credit. As you slave away serving cookies and paying for drinks, your second cousin is getting a “happy birthday” in your honor.  Gefeliciteerd to all.

    Dutch Birthday party
    “Ik schenk 1 keer in, daarna moet je het zelf pakken” (source: bp.blogspot.com)

 

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  • When you receive a gift, you must open it right away, in front of the person who gifted it to you.

    No discreet putting it to the side, as Americans like to do. This gift and it’s giver need to be acknowledged immediately. (This is also true of tipping. In the States, one is expected to tip but not to fully acknowledge doing so. You leave money on the table, for the server to collect. Here, give that money directly to your bartender. Acknowledge you are tipping. Be proud. Otherwise those few euro coins left haphazardly on the table may get lost in cultural misunderstanding, or taken by the next dude in your chair.)

  • Expect gifts.

    As the host of your own party, know people will give you things. In the States, if you throw a party, you don’t necessarily expect gifts. People will buy you a drink, bring a bottle of wine, or maybe take you out to dinner. Here, since the dinner is on you, you’ll get stuff (books, mugs, knickknacks). It is nice. Make a list next year. Ask for more.

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  • Eat a lot.

    This is how Dutch people socialize. It is not always good for your waist line, but you must readjust.

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  • Enjoy.

    Someone told me once that Dutch people are like onions; you have to peel away the layers to get inside. In the meantime though, remember that even if the cultural differences are difficult sometimes, they care for you. You may only talk about the weather or the train ride for the duration of the party, but that’s okay. Maybe the soul searching talks will come later. Maybe they won’t. In the meantime, remember they’re here for your birthday, and that means a lot.

     

  • Acknowledge a future social life around birthdays.

    Start planning.  Buy a calendar, add birthdays to it, and hang it up next to your toilet. Look at it every time you pee.  Notice all your Dutch in-laws have a calendar too, in the same spot, with your birthday on it as well. Realize that this is a thing.  Birthday parties are different all over the world, depending on where you live or where you’re from. Here, in The Netherlands, I think birthdays are primarily for the guests to enjoy.  Feel confident in yourself and your ability to be part of this new birthday tradition. Know there are many more celebrations to come. And that even though you are a weird foreigner, you’re starting to fit in.

Now you know the socially acceptable birthday rules

13 COMMENTS

  1. I just love your blogs Tory! Being Dutch myself I always love to know how other nationalities view out country and customs.
    I need to add ons thing to this entry; it is socially acceptable to celebrate your birthday BYOB-style. Although it takes away from the classic Dutch birthday, and feels more like a party for everyone than just for you and most importantly; don’t expect presents that way! (Unless it’s your closest friend or something)
    Cheers! Rob

  2. Nice blog, and as Rob said it nice to read know other people view your country and customs.
    Though I recognize it, there a luckily also different ways to celebrate your birthday in the Netherlands.
    Though you still pay for (most of) it. 🙂

  3. I always find it so rediculous that you have to wait for someone else to throw you a birthday/anniversarry party. What the heck. I throw my own. To the devil with customs. Do it yourself. GO DUTCH.

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