The Dutch have always been progressive when it comes to the environment. They are experts in water management and re-claiming land from the sea. Countries around the world are asking the Dutch for help when it comes to the issue of rising seas.

Many cite industrial and/or normal earth cyclic reasons for global warming. Arguments range from methane from cows (and probably fraternity houses) to water vapor as a greenhouse gas (look out, Netherlands). Arguments will go on forever. One thing is certain. The rising seas!

Here come the rising seas! Dutch are not impressed.

I will address some startling, radical and unconventional causes to global warming cleverly concealed by politicians and scientists who are too wise to bring them forth. Rest assured however these causes will keep Dutch engineers employed.

I present the following with no scientific proof whatsoever. Neither pro nor con for an argument, I am a mere observer. For whatever reasons bring the rising seas, and employ Dutch engineers to manage the shrinking shores, these “alternative” and fun-spirited causes should seem obvious to the most casual observer.

1.Women with hot flashes.

Just turn on the fan…

It is not their fault, poor things, but it is an often overlooked global warming subject. There are over 500 million postmenopausal women in the world, projected to one billion by 2025. Eighty percent of them have moderate to severe hot flashes. I am just stating a fact. I know that a hot flash supposedly lowers body temperature, but my poor wife once melted all the snow in the back yard by opening the window, so I am not convinced (yes, she claims “Hot Flash” as her Super Power name). Hot flashes may also raise the partner’s metabolism. So, 400 million hot flashes occurring at the same time could raise the earth’s temperature like a zillion, change the weather, and vaporize polar ice caps. Ever felt that warm wind suddenly blow through? Be nice to your female partner. The joules of heat produced should be directly proportional to the jewels you buy her.

2. Clothes dryers.

Hot threads!

Annually, clothes dryers use about 60 billion kilowatt hours of electricity. In the USA, 90.2 million households have a dryer. So if we triple that for the world, being conservative (with only a guess on my part), that’s 180 billion kilowatt hours of electricity. Certainly enough to melt a small glacier or all supposed ice on the planet Mars (fortunately they don’t use dryers …yet).

3. Hot air expelled by politicians.

Blah blah blah, is it hot in here?

No matter what your political party is or which way you lean, I think we all agree there is plenty of hot air rising from any capital in the world. Mouths spew hot air, tempers flair, steam comes out their ears and hot air rushes toward the ozone layer. It’s not “normal” hot air as it repels opposing hot air, and attracts like hot air. Scary fact.  If a large air mass of like air reaches either pole, the seas will rise. It’s not the politician’s fault. Ask them, it never is. Just head for high ground and hire Dutch engineers.

4. The ageing population turning up the heat.

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The elderly often feel colder from thinner skin caused by aging. So, they turn up the thermostat. As a result refrigerators and furnaces work harder to overcome or raise the heat, spewing even more hot air out. It’s the natural and increasing cycle of living longer. Most of us will be there some day if the sea doesn’t swallow us up first. There was a tradition long ago where the Eskimos would send the elderly out of the igloo and onto the ice to transition to the afterlife. My guess is it’s really because they kept turning up the heat and melting the igloo.

Turn down that heat!

5. The making of ice cubes for drinks.

Relax. It’s only BTU’s

Refrigerators have a freezer used to make ice cubes. These ice cubes are used in alcoholic beverages that help people relax. Refrigerators expel heat to make the ice. Alcohol also requires heat to be distilled. This expelled heat increases global warming which makes more people tense, causing more ice and alcohol to be made. You get the picture. It is a vicious circle spiraling toward rising seas.

6. Carbonated soft drinks.

Tiny bubbles. Up, up and away!

Carbon dioxide (CO2), a greenhouse gas, is released every time carbonated soda is consumed. Seems like it wouldn’t be much, but 14 billion cases of beverages, 73% carbonated, were consumed worldwide in a recent year. That’s 15 billion gallons of carbonated soda, and a lot of belching. Backed only by scientific wild-ass guesses (SWAG), estimates are that 4000 tons of CO2 in just Coca Cola Company beverages are delivered, or 1,460,000 pounds per year. Double it or so (no facts here, just SWAG) adding in other companies, that’s 2,920,000 pounds of free range CO2 per year. Granted, it’s a drop in the bucket compared to daily humanity at 70 million tons a day, but throw in all the heat from teenagers burning sugar from the sodas and you have an issue.

What can be done to slow the rising seas? There are simple solutions:

  • Use clothes lines instead of dryers.
  • Wear warmer clothes and buy grandparents coats.
  • Turn down the heat or suffer the consequences.
  • Drink alcohol with no ice or just drink red wine.
  • Don’t belch proudly after swilling down your soft drink.
  • Put politicians and scientists in the same dome with one thermostat and make them come to agreement to get out.
  • Buy your poor sweet hot flashing honey some jewels.  It won’t help the seas recede, but you will both feel better.
  • Finally, reverse all Netherlands windmills to blow out the humidity with the help of “Google wind”.

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAwL0O5nXe0[/embedyt]

I don’t know whether global warming and the rising seas are caused by humanity or a natural earth cycle or both, but I do know the above causes are ignored by scientists and politicians. Perhaps they do so for good reason, but I believe it will ensure that Dutch waterway engineers will be employed for decades to come.

You’re welcome! Now go save the world.

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