Dutch dating

Usually when a sentence has both ‘dating’ and ‘Dutch’ in there, it’s something on how the man is trying to weasel out from paying the whole bill at a date. But there’s a whole other story to it as well, and this brings me to the topic of today. Think of Ahab’s quest for Moby Dick, John Ford chasing the elephant, Wile E Coyote’s hopeless pursuit of the Road Runner or Tom’s obsessive and hazardous campaign to capture Jerry.  Since the dawn of time, man has risked life and limb to hunt down its prey. It’s the dating game. And even harder, the Dutch dating game.

FYI, here are some useful Dutch pick-up lines:

Tips on how to date Dutch Men

My advice, may be controversial, however, like Brian who was crucified on the cross for his beliefs or that great leader of the Roman slave rebellion of old, I will stand up, unafraid and shout out “I am Spartacus” without fear of the consequences. The things I do for my readers. So here’s Uncle Shallow Man advice on how to capture that most exclusive, reclusive and elusive of prey.The Dutch male.

Dutch Oven
Dutch dating: I mean, they invented the Dutch Oven. How romantic is that?

Every man is different, so of course I will have to generalise. The tips I will provide are just ways of helping to at least get as far as a good conversation. Better still the things that expat women should not say to Dutch men.

Religion
To get anywhere with a Dutch man you have to be able to understand, respect and tolerate their primary religion which is money. Dutch men worship money above just about anything else.

When going on a first date with a Dutchman, the Shallow Man’s first piece of advice is to not react in shock, disgust or reach for the sunglasses. It is highly probable, he turns up wearing a pair of bright red jeans. This is considered by many Dutch men to be the height of chic and elegance. Indeed, I suggest to compliment him on his bold and daring use of primary colors and try not to stare at them for the rest of the evening.

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Due to their love of money, you should not be insulted if at the end of a delightful evening at some nondescript brown cafe, when your date goes through the bill with the scrutiny of an American customs agent checking baggage for the presence of illegal substances. The Dutchman’s love of money will make him check every item on the bill several times and then with the speed of a supercomputer calculate precisely how much your portion of the bill will be.”You had the White Wine that’s five euros, we had bitterballen to start, there were six. However, you had four which means that you need to pay 2.37.”

Dutch cuisine (Bitterballen)
Dutch cuisine (Bitterballen)

If you wish to get into a Dutchman’s heart you need to accept that there are three of you in the relationship, him, you and his money which he will cling onto like a Gold Digger to a footballer. When he presents you with your portion of the bill, smile gracefully and pay your share as if this is the most normal thing in the world.

It’s even featured in an English lesson.

 

Common mistakes made by Expat women when hunting their Dutch prey
When chasing their prey, a common mistake made by Expat women is to dress well. In other words, not wearing jeans or old boots that look as if they’ve been handed down from mother to daughter to granddaughter. Expat women have also been known to visit hairdressers more than twice a year and they are also not strangers to wearing makeup. This can make the skittish and highly sensitive Dutchman extremely nervous. A well dressed woman with styled hair and makeup might be after the thing he values most, his money.

To stand a chance with a Dutchman, my advice is to take a flight to London. Find a homeless person that fits your size, and then pay them some money to hand over their jeans which should be in a pretty poor state. Wear the jeans, along with a pair of second hand boots purchased from Marktplaats (the Dutch Ebay) and for the rest of the outfit follow the example of Dutch women.

Turn all the lights off in your apartment, then reach for the first thing that comes out of the wardrobe. It will definitely not match the rest of the outfit. Take a salad strainer or colander, put this over your head and then turn on the tap for 30 seconds. Leave your hair wet, then put on a heavy metal song and shake your head in time to the selected track for another three minutes.  This will make your hair fit the style typically worn by Dutch women, thus naturally attractive to Dutch men. Do not apply any makeup.

Hairstyles of Dutch men
The Netherlands is incredibly flat, thus it can be extremely windy here. The most common form of hairstyle for the Dutch male is a style that is aerodynamic. It must react well to the windy conditions of this country. Dutch men typically have their hair combed backwards in the style of the Lion King. My advice is to not be surprised that most men have this hairstyle. Don’t hum the tune to the Lion sleeps tonight while running your hands through his hair.

Dutch Hair
The picture that hangs on the wall of most Dutch hairdressers

Fashion
Dutchmen and Brown Shoes go together like Drones and dead civilians, Amsterdam and high apartment rental costs and Miley Cyrus and bad taste. I guarantee that on your first date with a Dutchmen the standard uniform of Brown Shoes, Blue Jeans, a smart shirt and a suit jacket will be worn. This is because like their female counterparts, Dutch men believe firmly in Doe Maar Normaal, i.e. do not under any circumstances display any individuality in case you stand out.

Equality and Dutch men
If you do manage to bag yourself a Dutchmen, and end up moving in with him, you’ll be the witness to an incredible transformation. The once proud Dutch lion will become a pussycat. Dutch women, even though they typically only contribute less than 25% of income to the household, firmly rule the roost and wear the trousers at home. Visit any V&D or major store on a Saturday and you’ll witness the once proud Dutch lion being bossed around by his poorly dressed partner. Once you have a Dutchman he will expect you to bark orders at him like a circus trainer shouting at his animals. Don’t forget this as otherwise he’ll be unsettled in the relationship and may go elsewhere for a bit of tough love.

Flirting and romance
The female friends of the Shallow Man inform me that your expectations in this regard should be lower than a snakes belly. Flirting typically involves a Coffee, some bitterballen which as I stated above you’ll be expected to pay 50% of then a quick invite back to his cave for a night of horizontal jogging.

So that’s it for the Dutch men, how about these 2 meter tall- low voiced humanoids called Dutch women?

dutch dating women
Dutch dating: Give it to me baby

 

Dutch dating: Tips on how to date Dutch women

Having lived here since the time when Geert Wilders had normal hair, the Dutch football team were actually capable of winning football matches and Carice Van Houten wasn’t the only Dutch celebrity, a lot of expats see me as a kind of father figure and come to me for advice in many matters.

The young expats come to me, with tears in their eyes and say, “Shallow man, we have no problem dating Italians, Germans, French, Russians, Latvians and Polish girls. When absolutely desperate, we even date British girls, but the Dutch? Why are they so difficult? How do I succeed in the Dutch dating game with women?” Having had some experience in this area, and even though what I’m about to write may be somewhat controversial in some quarters, like John the Baptist, I feel that the truth must be told, and if as a result, my head is served on a plate at FEBO or in a food hall at HEMA then so be it. The things I do for my readers.Every woman is different, so of course I will have to generalise. The tips I will provide are just ways of helping to at least get as far as a good conversation, or better still the things that expat men should not say to Dutch women.

Religion
To get anywhere with a Dutch woman you have to be able to understand, respect and tolerate their primary religion which is smoking. Dutch women worship smoking above just about anything else. Take a wander through the Pijp or the nine streets on a freezing cold day, when even the Penguins are wearing Burberry scarves, hats and gloves. The only people you’ll see outside the bars on those days will be Dutch women desperately smoking. Almost as if cigarettes are about to be prohibited and it’s their last chance to ever smoke again.

It’s my right to smoke anywhere anytime
It’s my right to smoke anywhere anytime
No smoking sign
Stupid foreign rules are to be ignored, like red traffic lights when cycling

 

To get past the basic niceties of an introduction it will not help if you make comments about smoking being detrimental to their health. Also commenting on why they are either in the freezing cold smoking. Or asking them not to smoke inside a busy bar as there is a smoking ban. If you can hold your tongue, you’ll be on to first base.

Those smoking Dutch girls are tough, it’s too cold for me
Those smoking Dutch girls are tough, it’s too cold for me

Jeans
Learn from my mistakes from the past. Never, even after a glass of champagne or four, make jokes about the tendency of Dutch women to wear jeans. Worn morning noon and night, at weddings, funerals, michelin star restaurants, exhibitions, art galleries, private parties etc. This will get you instantly dismissed from any further conversation. Many Amsterdammers are firm believers in the Dutch philosophy of doe maar normaal. Which translated means, do not dare to display any individuality at all. Be a clone, if the next 50 women are wearing jeans then so should you.

Dutch dating: Equality and Dutch women
Do not, under any circumstances bring up the subject of part time working. It’s a love killer. 90% of Dutch women work part-time. In Dutch society, a lot of women believe that by not cutting their hair, shouting loudly, and acting aggressively, that this makes them liberated. In fact, financial independence is one of the strongest indicators of equality. Sadly, most Dutch women in a relationship contribute less than a quarter of the household income.

The Dutch taxpayer (including me) pays a fortune every year for thousands of women to go to University. Often, women only work full-time for several years and then as soon they find a man. Then go part-time, something which is allowed under Dutch employment law. This leads to the ridiculous situation where it’s common to receive out of office replies from female colleagues that say things such as:

“I work Mondays till 2.12 pm, Wednesdays till 1 pm, Thursdays till 2.47 and Fridays I’m not in the office.”

Just nod your head and smile when they tell you how independent Dutch women are.

So that’s the introduction to the Dutch Dating Game. How are your gaming experiences here in the Netherlands?

Featured picture is from loldutchpeople (which is awesome), this shallow man’s confession on the Dutch dating game was previously posted as well on his blog (which is also awesome)

 

117 COMMENTS

    • I am so sorry for you, I hope the experience was not that bad. Anyways to the topic its not really about the money, we do like to spend money on Woman its more about the return on investment (I leave the imagination to the audience what I mean with that).

    • The simple answer is that not all Dutch women fit the description in my article, and even the ones that do are generally natural beauties. I love Dutch women.

      • Hey Simon. This: “Dutch women…firmly rule the roost and wear the trousers
        at home,” isn’t just in the Netherlands. Plenty of British & US stand up comics have made this part of their schtick for ages because it’s pretty much true once you get hitched and have been married for a while, then the kids come along…

        At least here it’s not frowned upon for men to work 4 days with the fifth a papadag, showing part time work isn’t just a female thang;-)

  1. Simon, what a great post. You hit the nail on the head. Dating in The Netherlands is one of the least understood fields in anthropology indeed.

    Just a remark on the part-time culture of Dutch women. The average Dutch woman cannot afford to work full-time as the cost of childcare is higher than the income and grandparents don’t tend to help out as they are working themselves.

    • Then she could work full-time while her husband works part-time and takes care of the children, right? What I want to say is that men should/could also take care of the children, given that, both men and women have the same right to work part-time (ok, breastfeeding period is a particular case).

      • Of course she could work full-time and her partner part-time. The truth of the matter is that in most higher income couples the women earns less than the man. So economically it usually doesn’t make sense to follow your solution. In cases where it does, I generally see the house husband indeed.

  2. The sad part is that it’s so true about the men! There are so many great qualities about them but they’re looking for mommies, not partners. Grow a pair, guys!!! We expats don’t mind 😉

  3. I find this article disgraceful, disrespectful and offensive to my Dutch friends. I shared it on facebook to name and shame you – not receiving any positive comments. I am a Canadian living in Amsterdam who has learned to embrace the differences & not ridicule my host natives. Perhaps it is time to return to your native city of London since Dutch people are so offensive to you.

    • Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, 🙂
      What a neat and ordered, black and white world you must live in. There are obviously no shades of grey in your world just four leg good two legs bad thinking. I find your response patronizing to our Dutch hosts. I’ve shared this with Dutch people I know and they laughed, because, unlike you, my friends and I have a little thing called…………………………..a sense of humor. Look it up. The Internet is your friend.
      I thank you for the free publicity. I wondered why traffic to the site had gone up. Treat yourself to some Frikandel at FEBO. Don’t send me the bill. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

      • I actually do have a sense of humour (I am working on a stand up comedy act). My sense of humour or the way I see “colours’ has nothing to do with my response. I think it might be wise if you would go easy on the PIMS while you are writing content that you think is funny. Of course, your friends will support your “writing endeavors” but I think you need to think how a random (Dutch) stranger, who does not know you or anything about your life experiences here, will feel after reading this text. With that said, enjoy your FEBO & Frikandel (and whatever you drink that makes you think you are funny), while I will enjoy a lovely dinner with friends in de jordaan this evening.

        • Oh the Jordaan. I’m so impressed. Well that’s it, you’ve thrown down the ultimate argument killer, dinner in the Jordaan. Wow. I’m humbled, really. Anyone who can afford to eat in that neighbourhood deserves respect. I doth my cap to you milady.

          • LOL LOL all the best with your “so called” book and enjoy your day further – sincerely. You will need to thicken your skin a little if you want to launch this book with any kind of success my dear. Gracefully understanding criticism is not really your biggest strength and can make or break you. .

          • However thin my skin is, I can assure you that it’s beautiful. When the book is published I’ll send you a complimentary copy plus a ladder so that you can get back on your high horse. 🙂 I wish you all the best too. Seriously.

          • AWESOME a complimentary copy for my very own. Tthat would be such a wonderful act of kindness on your part. I can then use the pages of your book as toilet paper or use it to start a fire. You know Simon, criticism and managing your image is a big part of becoming a successful, published writer. Your image is pretty much monkey dong to me and perhaps to others who might have the pleasure of following our exchange. You might want to consider reviewing your people skills or communication skills 🙂 I am a marketeer and fully aware of the concept “all publicity is good publicity” but there is nothing positive about his exchange.

          • I fear that any valuable words shared with you would simply go in one ear and out the other. Please help us clean up our beloved city of Amsterdam, by having you move back to London, where you belong. Your arrogance is mind blowing … Adieu

          • Beste Simon,

            Even een reactie in het Nederlands. Als je nou echt een vent bent, schrijf je je clichématige verhaaltjes over Nederland en Nederlanders in het vervolg in het Nederlands. IJdele hoop, vermoed ik. Afgaande op je schrijfsels, denk ik niet dat je ooit een zinnige conversatie in het Nederlands hebt gevoerd. Zou je eens moeten doen! Je hebt er namelijk echt geen reet van begrepen!

            Met vriendelijke groet,

            Bas

          • Bas, there’s an old saying. When you assume you make an ass out of u and me. I read and understood your post and respect your right to have an opinion. It may come as a shock to you, but the language of this website is English.

          • Wat ben jij een ongelooflijke zeurpiet zeg, Jezus allemachtig. Jij lijkt me iemand die de artikelen van de speld ook serieus neemt. Het is toch duidelijk dat hij generaliseert (wat hij ook toegeeft) ?

          • en jij will zeker ook dat zwartepiet van onze straaten verdwijdt…. vriendje van je zeker deze grapjurk!

          • Zeurpiet? Nee hoor. Vind het alleen een slecht stuk. Geschreven door iemand waarvan ik vermoed dat hij geen woord Nederlands spreekt. Zijn antwoord geeft mij voldoende aanleiding te denken dat mijn vermoeden juist was. Als je in 9 jaar niet verder komt dan het woordje “dag”, dan zegt dat heel veel. Hoop dan ook dat je ’t me niet kwalijk neemt dat ik niet over de grond rol van het lachen als zo iemand een grappig bedoeld stukje schrijft.

          • ach weet je Bas ik ken verschillende expats, meeste Engelse of Americans, en er is maar een zeer kleine percentage van ze die de moeite neemt om de taal te leren… ik zelf heb altijd de taal geleerd van het land waar in ik heb gewoond… heb toch echt zelfs engels geleerd 😉

          • The brown nose award of 2013 goes to…. true expat. Translation of his nauseating post above.

            “Oh Bas, I know so many expats that don’t make an effort to learn the language. Not like me, I’m such a good Expat. Love me, Love me, give me a bone. I also beg and roll over and love brown shoes”

            Some people wear their insecurities like a gold digger wears Louis Vuitton.

            The assumption that I can’t speak Dutch, based on an article written in English on an English language website is amazing. Nothing worse than a presumptuous Internet nerd chasing a Dutch nationalist. My advice is for True expat and Bas to get a hotel room together so they can complain about Expats that don’t speak Dutch. Never let the facts get in the way of a good rant. Let me know what kind of cheese you’d like to go with the Whine.

          • Dear dear Simon,

            Is making assumptions a crime in the code of Simon Woolcot? You better start writing a new one then, because assuming is all you do in your poorly written piece.

            Since you’re obviously a fan of old sayings, here’s an old saying in Dutch:

            De beste stuurlui staan aan wal.

            Oh, please forgive me. I totally forgot Dutch is not allowed on this website! Here’s one in English:

            If the shoe fits, wear it.

          • You sound very angry .. what does he trigger in you?
            Even Dutch reader are amused. Why can’t you leave it to “everyone has the right to freedom of opinion”?

            “Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.”

            (Article 19, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, 1948).

          • no such thing as freedom of opinion and expression since 9-11 and the terrorist act…. and try walking down the streets naked to express yourself…..

  4. as an expat my whole life i can only say this article shows no respect from writer towards his host country. Go back home to London my friend.

    • How can one be an expat your whole life? Surely a contradiction in terms. It appears that sense of humor bypass operations have become fashionable. I find it incredible how some individuals appear to believe that they can speak for ALL Dutch people. I’m quite happy here and will continue sharing my observations no matter how much they irritate those challenged with a lack of humor or the ability to close a browser window.

      • easy… sir… ever heard of the term expat brat….. third culture kids? google can help you if you haven’t well.. i am one of them !!

          • my name not Lisa or Lady anything and i am not from the Jordaan silly man !! walk a mile in my shoes and then we discuss what it is like to be an expat….. for a little or a life time…. not very open minded are we?

          • Oh dear, I’m pushing all the wrong buttons. As the landowner said when the bailiffs arrived, don’t take a fence.

          • if you are to be a writer, i urge you to use a dictionary, or at least wiki……

            . “An expatriate (sometimes shortened to expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person’s upbringing. The word comes from the Latin terms ex (“out of”) and patria (“country, fatherland”).”

            deep sigh… guess everyone can call themselves a “writer” these days….. what is the world coming to.

          • I’m aware of the definition of the term Expat. So how can you be an Expat your whole life? Didn’t you mean to say, as an Expat my entire adult life?

          • my whole cognitive life then… if you would want to be pedantic…yes, that is a good adjective for you…. pedantic

          • …….oh really.. How do u come to that conclusion? Well if u must know I am French!! And you must be another friend of our so called writer I presume:-)

          • I get what you mean! I was born in the UK, grew up in Hong Kong.. but don’t really feel connected to any culture…

    • Oh stop…it was hilarious. The pretty in pink picture made me guffaw with laughter! I’ve been living here for 30 years and there is of course a smidgen of truth plus exaggeration in the mix.

  5. I’m a Dutch guy and….. hahahaha, this article definitally made my morning! All the people complaining and bitching (*cough* Lisa) should go out and find a new sense of humour.

    Although you describe loads of the personality characteristics about Dutch men pretty well, the dress style (brown shoes, red trousers etc) is stereotypical to a group us Dutch people refer to as ‘kakkers’ (posh people). A real ‘Amsterdammer’ will just turn up in jeans, sneakers and a tshirt and will still expect to split the bill.

    I have dated expat women from a variety of nations over the past years : polish, american, canadian, english, russian, italian. I find it pretty humorous that on one side these career driven women are trying to express their independence and strength, claiming to be completely independent of men. But on the other side freak out when I don’t pull out my wallet (even when SHE ASKED ME OUT). But then again, they have all succumbed in the end and admitted they felt good paying once in a while too.

    Also I don’t agree with Dutch men being ‘pussy whipped’ (to put it like that) after they get into a relationship. Dutch men don’t take shit from their girlfriends and will happily tell them to get a firm grip on reality if they feel they are out of line.

    *bill comes* (20 euros)
    polish expat girl : *looks at me in anticipation*
    me : I payed for dinner yesterday, you can take this one
    polish girl : IN MY COUNTRY MAN PAY FOR EVERYTHING
    me : fuck off back to Poland then *laughingly*

    Yeah, it never really worked out…

    • Splitting the bill was something I always appreciated about going out with guys in the Netherlands, and I’m an Italian girl 😀 The good thing about it is that this way you don’t hear men complaining that ‘we did all this stuff for which I paid for and in the end nothing happened, screw that bitch’, or see women going out with guys they don’t fancy just to get a free dinner 😉

    • if someone told me to fuck off back to my country I would gladly walk off and never look back, typical rude Dutch!

  6. tips for dating dutch women are not really useful; how to approach them, how to date and stuff, attitudes….. you can do better than this

    • My advice on how to date Dutch women is pretty simple. They are pretty liberated in that sense and if interested will make it so obvious that if you pay attention then you won’t have to really make the first move. When a Dutch girl is interested, they will usually let you know, one way or another.

  7. I had to laugh! I have a Dutch boyfriend, but he must
    be the exception, at least as far as the money part.

    While reading the article I was wondering if you are a
    man or a woman and where you are from .. Simon from London.. seriously, do you
    think that your folks are cuter? or better dressed?? 😀 good article!

    Cheers

    • Paola. As The Shallow Man (male) does not need the help of a guide dog, I certainly don’t believe that my folks are cuter or better dressed. 🙂 If I was living in the UK I’d be writing similar comments about my countrymen who during the last few years are heavier, less sober and shall we say in need of serious fashion advice. Again I’m generalising of course.

  8. Hi Simon, obviously despite your pen name “shallow man” and the fact that you are clear about the fact that your post is tongue-in-cheek, people just have to comment and feel insulted… I am Dutch, I think your post is funny. Yes, of course it is generalizing and stereotyping, but that is the whole point of your funny post. I have a Dutch BF who is not like that, dresses well, does not split bills etc. But then again, it took me a long time to find him amongst all the other Dutch guys 😉 LOL

    • Finally someone who understands this blog as I do: nothing serious, just making fun of some stereotypes lol
      I was quite amazed at the passion of criticism unleashed against Simon, as if his blog was to be considered a serious PhD project
      Ach!…When people don’t wont to understand a certain humor,

  9. im sorry but this article is B.S. and im commenting from the standpoint of someone who is not “needing to date” and therefore a neutral standpoint. To say the least, this in not worth sharing in a page. If you don’t like dutchies, don’t date them, there is no need to make a science about something so natural. and most importantly if someone doesn’t like dutch culture, he/she is free to move from here. and lastly, it generalizes people, whereas in my experience there are different people every where and still similar accross cultures, in my experiences passing generalizing comments is ignorant!

    • Garima,
      Isn’t an essential part of Dutch culture freedom of speech? It appears the standard weasel like response from the inarticulate is “If you don’t like it go back to where you came from” Is that really the best you can do?

      Nationalism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. You’ve read the article but understood nothing. You poor dear. I suggest you stick to less challenging material such as De Telegraaf.

      Have a wonderful day. I certainly will.

  10. Most of the posts in this blog are about the author talking as if he was superior to the people of the country he CHOSE to live in. It’s just a whole bucket of bitterness. If you hate the Netherlands so muchm just go back to England, darling. Easy.

    • Marjorie,

      I’m sure that you have your verblijf vergunning already. They won’t take it away from you if you agree with me. Freedom of speech is part of Dutch culture, embrace it. Go on, you can do it.

      • I’m exercising my freedom of speech right now. On you. I think you’re excessively bitter and negative about your experience in the Netherlands and I would say the same thing about anyone who wrote the same way about being in any foreign country.

        You put yourself in a position of superiority, making the Dutch seem ridiculous or laughable when actually it is YOUR lack of “openness” to different cultures that is to blame. I’m not saying Dutch people are perfect (I do have my opinions and complaints about them, don’t get me started on that) but I never assume I’m superior or better than anyone, neither do I hide behind the masks of “wit” and “sarcasm” only to voice my frustrations. Being an expat is never easy. Culture shock is never easy. But that is not an excuse for acting like an asshole, IMHO.

        Honestly, to me it seems that YOU are the one who is a bit frustrated that you have never been really integrated into the Dutch society in 9 years. For the way you write, it seems to me that your big ego just can’t accept that people didn’t receive you with a red carpet. You write as if Dutch people owed you something, as if you were entitled to some kind of acceptance. So you made this blog as a sort of “revenge”. How’s that for free speech for you? 😉

  11. 14 year NL stretch complete.. nail truly hit on head.. and judging by some of the comments you also hit a few humourless nerves in the process.. oh well, you can’t make a dutch omelette without breaking a few dutch eggs.. quality read mate!

  12. Definitly I see people a little bit angry with the author :D. I am a “buitenlander” with a dutch nationality. I was married with a dutchman, now in a long relation with another dutchy ( I love this sweety ). We read together and seriously we laughed a lot. You said and repited ” this is a generalization” if someone feels identified is because it is true. Take it as it is, and it doesn’t work you send me back to my home. I work more than a lot of dutch people, pay my taxes, I love you country but I still believe that “tolerate” is okey meanwhile you don’t feel you are touched. I admired a lot of dutch intelligent women en men. I am agreed with alot of your points, specially about “money love”.

  13. If this article was even remotely funny I wouldn’t have replied at all, but I have to say that this is just a bunch of degrading bulls***.

  14. This post is indeed hilarious and
    totally nailed it. I am not much of a writer otherwise I would write it like
    this:). If you have sense of humor you will get it. Of course most of Dutch
    people will find it offensive…but still they dont even see it. It is life for
    them. I am sure if they would go to other country you can make the same jokes.
    My favorite.. ‘Turn all the lights off in your apartment, then reach for the
    first thing that comes out of the wardrobe. It will definitely not match the
    rest of the outfit. Take a salad strainer or colander, put this over your head
    and then turn on the tap for 30 seconds. Leave your hair wet, then put on a
    heavy metal song and shake your head in time to the selected track for another
    three minutes. This will make your hair fit the style typically worn by Dutch
    women, thus naturally attractive to Dutch men. Do not apply any makeup’. Still
    after 8 years of living here can;t get used to it. they just think it is waste
    of time. I often make pictures of how horrible grandma clothes some Dutch women
    wear and share it on expat parties:)

  15. Easy point scoring with outdated stereotypes… The information about the dutch male psyche in this article is about as relevant and resourceful as a year long study on wooden shoe related deaths.

  16. Hey Simon… first off, you must be a tough guy to handle all this negative critique. I am an American Expat, published author (fluent in Dutch, BTW), married to a Dutchie and have lived in the Netherlands since 1999. I love living in Holland, and have placed all of the cultural differences in perspective in order to live in harmony here. Much of your article is true about a large percentage of the country. I understand that the people who don’t realize this article is written a bit ‘tongue in cheek’ could be offended. I read the article to my Dutch husband, and he also thought it was hysterical. In fact, we had to laugh as he was putting on his brown shoes the next morning to go to work. I noticed that he switched to the grey shoes the next day. In conclusion: Your article was hysterical. Stereotyping, YES….offensive, NO! You call yourself: ‘Shallow Man’, which is already a clue that you write satire and stereotypical humour. If the readers don’t understand that, then they should read one of the other authors on this site, as I have read and enjoyed all the Shallow Man entries, but I have also read other articles on this site that are serious…so, those of you without a sense of humour for such articles need to avoid the Shallow Man. … Simon, good luck with your book. Looking forward to reading it. Sounds a bit like an ‘UnDutchables’ concept. Cheers, K

  17. Simon,
    This is, what I call, a piece of Dutch Art 🙂
    The part that Dutch love money, true, but my statement is ‘Geld moet rollen’
    And that part of splitting the bill after a date. Can’t imagine that Dutch men are like this.
    Three possibilities for this behaviour: 1. Maybe they are students, 2. Just poor, or 3. Women wants to be emancipated? Shall we split the bill? Result: byebye second date.
    grtz

  18. In all fairness Simon. I think the very very VERY last nationality on the ENTIRE GLOBE that should be judging other nationalities on “their women” or “their food” should be an English person… Although your blog is quite funny from time to time, your arrogant and pretentious reactions are just a bit sad.

  19. I still don’t get it why Dutch people are so butt-hurt, when it comes to such articles.

    As if, every time a Dutch person reads such an article, he/she must go defend the Dutchness out of it, since ‘if you ain’t Dutch, you ain’t much’. After being for several years now in the NL, I can say that this is by far one of the most passive-aggressive hostile countries in Europe. What has been said many times by others is: you simply don’t adapt to the Dutch culture, you get assimilated. It is not a simple manner of learning the language or the ‘traditions’ in NL. Is about sucking all up, until you become a model citizen. And even then you will be never good as the ‘Autochtoon’. I mean- how sick and hypocrite is to live in a country, where even 3rd or 4th generation people are labeled as ‘not Dutch enough’. All this speeches about ‘open society’ in NL is completely onzin. The sad part of all of this is- Dutch people will continue to tell you ‘if you don’t like it go to your own country’ or ‘this is how things are’, without even thinking that there might be a third way, of actually sitting down and discussing why Dutch people are so stuck up and what to do with all of those poor immigrants, coming to their beloved country, working hard the jobs that Dutch people are too offended to do. Dating Dutch people? Ha..no thanks.

  20. I really like your description. I guess I am not an average Dutch man because your description makes me feel alienated from “my” people and I am so happy with my totally unDutch Middle Eastern wife.

  21. Simon, I am a Dutch neutral reader, not one of your friends nor one of anyone else’s friends here.
    I must say I sincerely enjoyed the exagurating prejudices. Some parts made me laugh, some parts made me say: “bull shit, that’s not true”, and I even felt sometimes a little bit offended.

    Maar door dit gezegd te hebben, moet het wel een goede blog/column zijn geweest nietwaar? Je prikkelt mensen, expats én Nederlanders. We kunnen allemaal wel een lachwekkend, prikkelend stukje schrijven over een ander land nietwaar? Echter, meestal wordt het meer gewaardeerd wanneer iemand kritisch is naar zijn eigen land. Dat is ook typisch Nederlands.

    So stealthly there is a Dutchman/-woman in all of us. 😉

  22. Wow I feel attack. No I don’t smoke, yes I am financially independent. Jeans are worn when it is appropriate and not whenever and also the philosophy of Doe Maar Normaal you are describing is utter bull shit. Honestly I don’t know who you interact with but generalizing that as the ‘average Dutch woman’ is just insulting! And the Dutch men aren’t nearly as bad as you describe them they aren’t frugal when it comes to dates and we only split the bill when we have discussed this. Honestly your ignorance is offensive.

  23. Simon, it seems you’ve been to very basic places in Amsterdam and met only conventional and trivial Dutch students or other trittle types within Dutch society that ad up to the cliché you put forward here. Does it really always rain in England and are all the Irish woman redheaded? Do you realise that you are part of the cliché that you dared to become involved in and everything that you left out, was left out because you didn’t notice it or you were afraid of it? All you told us about the Dutch we could get from wikipedia and you could’ve stayed home instead. Must have been a very dull trip you had here. You should’ve met some real people here with a strong backbone and an iron fist and a desire for sensual life and sensual woman. For real people money is never an issue. You know that, right?

    • Lool, thats so not true about wikipedia. I can recall very well how once at the uni, a classmate of mine- one of those red trousers/gel on the hair/strong accent type bought me a coffee from the machine( i had no money left in the card so had to give him some cash instead) with the words”i am buying you coffee now, but you should know, that doesnt mean i am in love with you”. Hahaha, okey, weirdo…. If every time someone buys me coffee actually falls for me, i would end up being very, very privileged for the rest of my life and with a harem at my disposal. See, these type of things you cant really read on wiki

  24. Spot on! I am Dutch and just moved back to Ams from many years in the big smoke. Every day I am struggling to find the charm, the style and the elegance in both my male and female fellow Dutchmen. The ‘acting normal’ has taken away a lot of shine of the everyday, which in turn takes away appreciation and kindness. NL living has many aspects going for itself and are too many to comment on here. But I do think the male and female perspectives have become quite distorted. As shallow as it may be we should not fear to emphasise our male or female qualities in either dress sense, needs, feelings and/or emotions. I am aware this may be a dangerously un-emancipated statement but from my experience I dare to say it’s a recipe that has worked for many happy years.

  25. I have to laugh and laugh at how spot on some of the generalizations are in this. Even more how some of the comments make them so true!

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  27. […] If you are not familiar with the phenomenon, say hello to clueless, and if rollercoaster-ish romance is a taste you are keen on giving a try, be my guest and enjoy the ride. As much as I love exoticism and variety, I believe in eating local wherever I go, so Dutch men it is. Brace yourselves, girls, for two major obstacles shall inevitably pop up during dating in the Netherlands: […]

  28. A lot of the things I do in the list about Dutch women you named (I fortunately do NOT look like 2m tall beast) are because it’s almost like we have no choice here. I can’t buy any good looking non-jeans however much I want to. Having a slight curve around the hip is apparently verboten! 😉

    Maybe this article should be taken a bit more seriously to FIX at least the fashion problem we have. 😉

    Also I think I tend to fall for foreigners more than Dutch men. Help.

  29. I am a Dutch woman and agree on general observation of Dutch women, apart from possible visual stereotypes. I myself have always been surprised that Dutch women who are socially so equal or supposedly so, are ranking third in the world when it comes to studying or working in Science/technology, in fact behind Bangladesh and Tunisia. So yes you can have a sharp tongue and wear the trousers, but when it comes to income, we are way down on the ladder. Therefore it seems weird that we Dutch woman have such criticism and arrogance when it comes to men; but conversely we are also the most conservative country when it comes to white men calling all the shots in Politics, business research. Nepotism is rife. So yes, I do think as Dutch women we can learn from Swedish, French, Turkish, Tanzanian, Syrian, Israeli women (just to name a few) how to be attractive, without tuns of make-up, but using female qualities rising from the challenges these countries have posed; where females literally had to stand up and fight/work. rather than in the Netherlands just crying about it. One sample of statistic: https://www.vhto.nl/cijfers-onderzoek/cijfers/cijfers-internationaal/cijfers-tertiair-onderwijs-engineering-manufacturing-and-construction/

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