Dear Frenchies,

What the bloody hell just happened? You guys used to be cool, man! Pardon me if I start most my open letters like this, my dear France, I want you to keep thinking that you’re special and all that but damn… you’ve changed. Your culture used to be all about liberalism, about religious skepticism, about fighting tradition and the absolute moral authority of the Church; you even told monarchy to eat a **** and gave power to the people. You were all about freedom, man. Sweet, sweet, freedom!

So why is it, dear Frenchies, that in the year of Our Lord 2013, I have to tune into the eight o’clock news or click on any respected news outlet, and see this shit:


Like Chamberlain said to Churchill when bombs started falling on London: “I did Nazi that coming.” Hundreds of thousands of people clogging up the streets of Paris, raging against gay marriage and the right of gay couples to adopt children. Protesters claim that this is not about homophobia, but about supposedly legitimate concerns over the children being adopted by same-sex couples (because no protest/quasi-riot is complete without a few self-righteous bigots playing the “Won’t-Someone-Please-Think-Of-The-Children!!!” card©). This is an odd turn of events, France, because you used to be all about intercourse like it was going out of fashion. From “French kissing” to menage à trois to soixante-neuf to cuissade to pompoir to pattes d’araignée to frottage; if it involved porking, there was always something French lurking around the corner (incidentally, this is called voyeurism). I figured that you were a culture that’s pretty much a-okay with what two consenting adults do within the privacy of their own bedroom (or kitchen or basement or whatever, I’m not judging). But it turns out that you are still slow to catch onto the equal rights bandwagon. Then again, you were also pretty slow in granting women the right to vote compared to the rest of Europe, so maybe God simply installed a four decade delay device on your cultural value system. We’ll catch up in 2053, my dear France. But by then, you’ll probably be protesting against human-cyborg marriages.


Yours Truly,


-Frank Kool




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