WARNING: IF THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT OFFEND YOU THEN YOU HAVEN’T READ IT PROPERLY.
Back by (not so) popular demand, part 2 of “Can You Identify The Amsterdam Tourist”. Whether you’ve recently moved here, are just visiting for the weekend or thinking of planning a trip to Amsterdam, this guide will help you pick out the diverse peculiarities of each Amsterdam tourist type. Soon you’ll feel like a local, and be able to discern between the cacophony of languages and clicking of cameras to identify the correct Amsterdam tourist. Judge away!
Dolce & Gabbana shirt? Check. Gucci sunglasses? Also check. Scarf even in summer? You better believe that’s a check. Italians, and more specifically Italian men, can be spotted strutting their way down Singel with the confident swagger of someone that’s spent years perfecting said strut. Most likely to be seen arm in arm with the type of girl you’d drink your dead grandmothers bathwater for just to touch. You may also find that most Italians stroll around the streets with a look on their face like they’re subjecting everything to examination – much like they’re studying a menu. Be prepared to hear things like, “the weather is better in Italy”, and “the food here has nothing on mia mamma’s”. However there’s one pervading conclusion that you’ll always comes to after a brush with these Amsterdam tourists… if there’s any ugly Italians, they must not let them out of Italy.
Happy-go-lucky Irish rarely venture outside of the red light district (unless it’s to Aran’s or Café Hoopmans), and can be spotted travelling in packs walking four across. They can also be found scheming in coffee shops and planning their next expedition into the night. Loud and boisterous but typically harmless, the Irish have been known to accost other Amsterdam tourists in conversation, only to spurt forth a torrent of bewildering and often nonsensical words that even Oscar Wilde himself couldn’t decipher. Word of warning though; the Irish’s drinking prowess isn’t just a baseless stereotype. If you’ve haven’t experienced the sensation of drowning whilst on dry land, then a few pints with these lads or lasses is sure to do the trick.
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Not too difficult to identify this Amsterdam tourist, I mean, who else would walk onto a bike lane and nearly cause an accident, only to accuse the cyclist of being in the wrong. “In Mother Russia, bike ride YOU!” If you haven’t bared witness to the aforementioned cultural incursion, you can always spot a Russian by scanning the crowd for someone that’s face is saturated with a look of eternal discontent. A look that’s somewhat alluring on females and terrifying on the men. Best thing about having Russians in Amsterdam? If you strategically place yourself at their heels you’ll benefit from their ability to push their way to the front of any line. So keep on the look out for stoney faced Russians at Madame Tussauds or the Anne Frank Huis if you’re not into waiting.
Ahhh the Austrians – this type Amsterdam tourist is hard not like. They seem to fly under the radar when making their way around Amsterdam, and are often mistaken for their linguistic counterparts, the Germans. Austrians don’t however hunt in packs, and will be one or two out instead of clustered around a map trying to find out which way to the nearest hop on, hop off tour bus. The difference between Austrians and Germans is subtle, much like the difference between the Austrian-German and German languages. They do however have one thing in common – their sense of style. Leather sandals, fanny packs and pants pulled up so high that you’d think they were void of hips, and instead had legs that ran to their chest. Oh yeah, and of course the Lederhosen is a dead giveaway. At least you’ve got a better chance of beating an Austrian for a sunbed over a German, right?
Masters of the “I’m not trying to look good, but I know I do” mentality. Spend a bit of time in the immediate vicinity of this Amsterdam tourist and you’ll soon be made aware that they compare everything to some superfluous and intangible French standard. Yours truly once even heard “Oh, you also have museums in Netherlands?” exclaimed in an unmistakably French accent. I guess a sense of superior wonderment at various aspects of Amsterdam is one way to pick a Frenchie out of the crowd. To be honest, when I heard said Frenchman’s remark, I was just surprised he knew how to speak any English. One more way to pick a French tourist in Amsterdam – straw fedora hats. I don’t know what the appeal is but the French sure seem to love them. You heard it here first folks, an Australian critiquing a European’s sense of style.
Did you find this guide helpful? Are you now able to stereotype and pass judgement on people you’ve never met even quicker than before? Let us know if there’s any other Amsterdam tourist we haven’t covered in the comments section, and stay tuned for part 3!
PS. If you felt left out, better check if you’re people get trashed in part 1!
This was funny but you missed the mark on a couple of them. Russians are easy to spot because they are always in stilettos shopping or generally overdressed for doing anything. Italians are easy to spot because they ride like monkeys in the bike lanes without fail. Americans have this horrible visor hat habit and sleeveless polo shirts that look unflattering on anyone. Them and the Canadians always wear backwards baseball hats. Always. Germans death glare at everyone crossing on red. And the Brits are the ones always being fished out of the canals more than the gutters. It’s true that it’s far more exciting to hear a French person actually be able to say more than three words in English. And Canadians are also decked out in Canadian flags more so than the Americans. You can’t really label someone an American who is wearing a flag somewhere because it’s stupidly trendy. But you don’t find Canadian flags on random trendy shirts so you know they’re definitely Canadian.