How to Wreck Your Future Dutch In-Laws Toilet and Get Away with It

Meeting the parents for the first time can be a tremendously stressful experience, especially if you have a past history of fucking it up like myself (tracking dog shit all over the carpet in an ex-girlfriends parent’s house). Let’s say everything goes to plan though and you make it through the introductions and formalities, but then comes mealtime and as we all know, The Dutch love a hearty feed. So in your effort to try win over the schoonouders, you forget your intestinal limits. The mother will always ask, “would you like some more dear?” and you’ll reply like the perfect son/daughter-in-law you are, “yes please, this is fantastic – I’ll have to get the recipe off you” (without any intention of ever getting the recipe). You then pile more stamppot onto your plate plus some curious looking sausage that looks like Donald Trump’s fingers, also known as rookworst, and proceed to polish it off as if it were your last meal before execution.

From table to toilet
It looks innocent enough right… right?

So now you’ve just eaten a meal the size of a Moped tyre. What happens next is of your own doing. Cue the internal dialogue…  “do I man/woman up and hold it in until I’m safe and sound back at my own apartment, or, do I excuse myself from the table and make a beeline for the dunny?”. From experience I can say that it depends on the seriousness of the situation. Shutting up the shop door and trying to make it all the way back to your own apartment may feel like an epic journey (think Leonardo Di Caprio in The Revenant), but if it’s already decided you’re spending the night, well… a little bit of creativity doesn’t go astray. Essentially, if you’re looking to defile their toilet but don’t want them to banish you from their home or your partner’s life forever, the following steps are going to help you pull it off!

Finding a toilet can be an epic journey
What I look like rushing home to use the toilet in Dutch winter

8 Easy to Follow Steps for the Perfect Poop

Step 1: Pick a Prime Pooping Time

Preferably early in the morning or late at night, this will ensure your uninterrupted by a bowel jarring knock at the door or the Moeder/Vader yelling at you from the kitchen asking if you want stroopwafel, mid snap.

Step 2: Timing is Everything

Make sure your poop is at the gates and ready to race before you get on the toilet. Don’t sit there for half an hour revving the engine if there’s no sign of the checkered flag being waved. From the parent’s point of view, constipation is not an endearing trait in a new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Step 3: Bowl Preparation

I like to lay down a couple sheets of toilet paper to ensure my poop falls gently onto a landing pad, minimizing the sound. Think of it like in the movies when someone puts a pillow over the face of someone else there going to shoot to ensure silence.

Step 4: Showtime

Make sure the act is swift yet grunt-free and unassisted by any loud farts that may draw attention to you. Toilets are always unfortunately acoustic and chances are if you think the family heard your rectal fireworks go off, they probably did.

Step 5: Work Smarter, Not Harder

Don’t use a whole roll of toilet paper and make sure you check if there’s spare if you’re committing to an extreme amount of poo tickets. Take into account technique (scrunching or folding).

Step 6: Bowl Integrity

Just like visiting a historical building or ancient ruin, you need to leave it how you found it. I also like to sometimes take a water bottle in if I think it’s going to be a big job. Second flushes are for rookies, but a water bottle with a squirty nozzle can help do the job ridding the side of the bowl of hanger-on’s if a standard flush doesn’t, then, just pretend you needed to blow your nose and lay those extra sheets over the floaties.

Step 7: Leaving The Scene of The Crime

As any good murderer will tell you, when leaving the scene of the crime it is important not to make eye contact with anyone. A quick getaway will ensure anonymity and leave you with ability to blame the desecration on someone else, preferably the broer.

Step 8: Wash Your Hands

To ensure there is no poop under your fingernails. Just joking, but hygiene is important kids.

These handy tips have been developed and refined over a number of years, and I sincerely hope that next time you find yourself in a similar situation, you can look back on this article like the 10 Commandments for pooping at the in-laws house, and apply some of it’s knowledge.

The 10 commandments of using you in-laws toilet
Please lord, grant me the intestinal fortitude to make it to the toilet tonight…

Succes met poepen!

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