Attack of the Creatards: The American-Dutch Stupidity Convergence

Oh, America… you so crazy!

That’s not some zany, youngish manner of speech, by the way, America really is kinda crazy in one aspect. To get right down to it: the US has an astonishing amount of people embracing creationism, or in other words; for a developed country, the US has an unprecedented number of grown-ups believing that any episode of The Flinstones should be preceded by a public service announcement reading: “Based on a  true story.”

But it would be unfair for me to pick on you, my dear America, because when it comes to casting stones at fools, it turns out that my precious Holland is not without sin itself. So you think you’re cool because you’ve got a museum dedicated to creationism? (also known as the most expensive monument to human ignorance). Well read ’em and weep: we’re sporting a guy who build a full-scale replica of Noah’s Ark!This technically counts as weapons of mass stupidification (that’s a word now, by the way. Didn’t you get the memo?). If stupidity were a card game, then we just shoved a Royal Flush in your face while moon-walking over your girlfriend and hanging our dick in your vodka-martini. Sorry, ’murica, you just played the retard roulette and lost the draw. There may be approximately 8 * 10^67 ways to arrange a deck of cards, but there’s an infinite amount of ways to be stupid, and this happens to the best of them all. (okay, I’m gonna stop with the chance game analogies now).

Seriously, look at this fucker!

Seriously though, this Ark is not just for amusement: it’s also for educational purposes! Considering that us Dutchmen had a sizable share in shipping African slaves to the New World back in the day, that makes this the second worst application of marine navigation in our entire history. The builder of said Ark wants to show people what it may have been like on the Ark, though the only thing he is still puzzled about is how Noah managed his water supply. This is the point where jokes begin to write themselves, making this column effectively cheating as far as comedy-content goes. Personally, I would rather wonder about other things like, oh, why the continuous line of Egyptian dynasties managed to ignore a global flood, how either the salt and fresh water fish survived, how kangaroos got to Australia after the Flood, how everything in biological/ethnic/linguistic/cultural diversity contradicts the idea of a fresh start approximately 4,200 years ago, and last but not least: why the hell weren’t there any dinosaurs on the Ark while we’re at it?

Anecdote time! I’ll never forget a conversation about evolution and the Bible I once had with my fellow students. One guy, a staunch creationist, first told us about how humans and dinosaurs once lived together and after that, he told us how Noah took all the animals with him. At this point, I, having put two and two together, retorted that this implies that the dinosaurs would have survived the Flood like all the other animals. His response to this consisted of giving me a condescending look and scoffing: “Yeah right, a Tyrannosaurus Rex on a boat? Like that’s possible!” Needless to say, I was stunned by this turn of events: suddenly I was the crazy one. Also, did I mention that this guy got his masters degree in Psychology without flunking a single year? It wasn’t for lack of brains that he had these ideas.

But enough about me; back to the American-Dutch stupidity convergence. At other moments, we choose to imitate instead of innovate. Has anyone already forgotten the shit-storm that followed when Tod Akin announced in front of the camera that in the case of ‘legitemate rape’, the chances of pregnancy are slim to none? (Also, never mind the fact that for reasons that are still unknown, the chance of pregnancy after rape seems to be twice as high as opposed to pregnancy following consensual sex and while we’re at it, who the fuck invented the phrase ‘legitimate rape’?). We’ll here’s a perfect example of monkey-see-monkey-do: just days after Akin became the latest poster-boy for political right scientific illiteracism, Kees van der Staaij, leader of the Dutch conservative Christian party SGP stared his interviewer dead in the eyes and said the exact same thing. V/d Staaij himself was probably the only who was surprised at the public out lash and death threats that followed.

Dear Lord! It’s like they were seperated at birth…

Lingo-intermezzo! the Germans have an awesome word that is Backpfeifengesichte, which roughly translates to ‘face that asks for fist’. In a similar vein, we Dutchmen sometimes throw the word inteeltkop at each other, an unholy union of the words for ‘inbreeding’ and ‘face’. Just putting this out here for the better knowledge of the world, not saying it necessarily has anything to do with the above pictures.

So America, you may have a (perhaps somewhat deserved) reputation for being the technological torch-barer of the world while having a religious mindset that should be reserved for the Dark Ages, but I guess we could learn from one another when it comes to dodging those pesky things like ‘science’ and ‘facts’. Don’t be a stranger now, we’d love to hear from you when you trump our own acts of state sponsored stupidity, which, in a strange paradox, requires an almost inhuman amount of ingenuity.

Till next time,

-Frank Kool

Frank Kool
Frank Kool
Born and raised in Holland, spent his time procrastinating and studying Psychology and Philosophy. Frank harbors a special interest in weird social phenomena (which are ALL social phenomenon if you think about them long enough).

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