Code Red: Beer in Distress!!!

Today we come bearing bad news. It was announced that Dutch beer architect Heineken has announced that they shall raise the beer-prices for bars/restaurants by a whopping 5%.

Now if you are expecting an article with good reasoning and arguments, you may stop here. This is an article about what AN OUTRAGE this is. An extra 5% on the already dying bars. They claim the raise is necessary to keep investing in the bars and keep developing new products. While the investing in bars is of course a blatant lie and probably means they can give the bars loans with ridiculous interest and other conditions (like only serving Heineken and other beverages who are under contract) but the second reason is what struck me most and deepest.

Developing new products? My earliest childhood memories involve my father and his immigrant friends (Heineken has a mass clientele among immigrants and is often dismissed by beer snobs) drinking Heineken. The only difference in the 20+ years is the color of the crate and bottle. I can see why that strongly needed a budget to figure that out. A drunk intern with Windows Paint could have invented that.

Unfortunately, my dad only had a PhD.

While I enjoy Heineken more than I should, I am not a big fan of these marketing fairytales. It would be more respectful if they just clearly stated they wanted more money and us suckers will pay it anyway, which in my case is very true. With pleasure, just let me live in ignorance and refrain from telling me these things.

What makes the whole ordeal even more painful is that in 2011/2012 Heineken (and other beer wizards) were given a big fine for cartel deals they made. The specific fine for Heineken was a whopping 198 MILLION euro. Now, one would think that after this was discovered, they would be forced to lower their prices? No kind sir, of course, they would have to somehow get the fine back…and who would pay for this, if not loyal drinkers? And now, years later, the price only keeps rising.

My point, or rather my objection to this news is that they should never publish news about beer (unless they give it away for free ). Beer can only please you when you drink it or are about to drink, never when you think about the financial machine behind it. The same goes for your dream lover. Just enjoy it, stop from thinking about intercourse of their parents, the bloody mess they made when they came into the world or how their bowels work.

P.S.: Heineken, please take no offense. I cannot wait until my workday tomorrow is over and I can begin my weekend with a few of your crazy priced beer. I am a very brand (hihi a pun, since Brand is also a beer) loyal dude and I think I will keep buying yours as long as I can afford.



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