Sino-Japanese bitching, the truthiness of politics and GODDAMNIT!!!, where’s the fucking kumite already?!

Solving global crises, one at a time, that’s what we’re all about here at Dutchreview.

But first: a long-winded introduction!

Without a doubt the greatest novel I’ve read thus far in my life begins with the following two sentences: “It was the year when they finally immanentized the Eschaton. On april 1, the world’s great powers came closer to nuclear war than ever before, all because of an obscure island named Fernando Poo.” If you recognize this, congratulations!, you are a Robert Anton Wilson aficionado and probably tripping on acid right now. The novel in question, The Illuminatus! Trilogy, co-written by Robert Shea and published in 1973 is a delightful clusterfuck of political paranoia, written on the premise that every single conspiracy-theory ever conjured up are all simultaneously true (I think there were at least six shooters in Dallas on that fateful day…), drenched in mind-bending metaphysics, frantic sex scenes and some of the best written humor this side of the globe has ever produced, it is, in short, a 732 page ode to counter-culture disguised as sci-fi pulp. Also, some guy fucks a giant apple as an initiation ritual that takes place in a rogue submarine (I wish I could make that kind of stuff up, I really do).

They don’t write them like these anymore, is what I’m trying to say.

As in all great fiction, one of the things that make it great is it being at the same time bat-shit insane and seemingly more true to life than life itself. Whereas I’m quite confident that there are no congregates of Evil Dark Overlords coming together every Thursday dressed in black robes to discuss how to exploit the other seven billion people on this planet, I don’t think I’m being revolutionary when I say that politicians don’t always tell the whole of their story and that they are both willing and able to start wars over the most insignificant pieces of territory (I’m looking at you, Margaret Thatcher!).

Now that you mention it, this does seem worth over nine hundred lives.

So consider this my long and rambling introduction for a blog about the latest trash-talking between China and Japan, because oh boy! is that story grabbing hold of my attention. There’s nothing like a Mexican stand-off between two economic and military giants over a handful of useless rocks. Also, one of them is a nuclear power. Oh yes, it’s all about resources and politics, of course. It’s no secret that legally owning that part of the sea means access to areas rich in fish, a militarily strategically strongpoint, possibly oil and most likely unobtanium. But for now, China and Japan are continuing their passive-aggressive bitch-fight by having a military dick-waving contest on the waters surrounding said islands.

Now there’s a collection of rocks that’s worth at least a couple of legions worth of people!

As for resolving this conflict, the results so far have been more predictable than the outcome of a game of Tetris. Both sides claim to be in the right, the US claims to be totally not siding with either or both, and the United Nations is doing its best at being the cardboard tiger it is by urging sides not to do what they want to do anyhow. As a side-note, isn’t the UN getting tired of being incompetent all the time? To quote Dave Chapelle as President Black Bush: “You know what you should do? Sanction me. Sanction me with your army. Whoa! Wait a minute… YOU DON’T HAVE AN ARMY! I guess that means you just need to shut the fuck up. That’s right. Shut. The. Fuck. Up!” So diplomacy will probably not do much more than channeling all the vitriol between the two nations to other fields, like economics and forging history lessons to avoid old-time nuisances like the brutal slaughter of innocents by the millions. Since neither side has much to gain by going into all-out war with one another (by the way, did I mention the nuclear arms thingie already?), there’s got to be another way out.

So I propose a final solution to this seemingly irresolvable conflict: a kumite! And if that word doesn’t strike a chord in you, then please allow me to say fuck you! and fuck the horse you rode in on. Twice. Sideways.

Kumite means sparring in Japanese (see, I’m already picking sides here. This is called foreshadowing) and if this is news to you, then you’ve either never done karate or never seen the best-worst movie since, like, ever. Kumite was popularized by the most awesome eighties fight-flick Bloodsport, distilling all you need to know about the ancient traditions of Oriental martial arts to doing a full split and throwing a dick punch while making a constipated face. Anywho, the point is simple: two guys, one ring (that sounded more creepy then intended, by the way), possibly metal shards on your gloves and just keep throwing your hands and feet in the general direction of the other till one of you leaves the room on a stretcher. I would give up a kidney to see modern-day politics getting resolved this way: two countries have a problem? Put both prime ministers in a cage and let natural selection take its course.

So let’s preview this face-off: in one corner we have Yoshiko Noda, current prime minister of Japan and, naturally, a black belt in Judo. In the other, we have Hu Jintao, current paramount leader of the People’s Republic of China and noted for… liking table tennis and ballroom dancing?

I believe we have a winner, ladies and gentlemen! Konichiwa, bitches!

Pictured above, the national flag of the People’s Republic of China, as of 2012.

Oh shit, I just remembered… Vladimir Putin is a sixth-degree black belt judoka. Guess that means the Cold War was just foreplay to Russian World Domination.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the library, studying Russian to see how best to greet our new overlords in their native language once they righteously invade our homelands.

 

Till next time, Рад тебя видеть!

 

Frank Kool
Frank Kool
Born and raised in Holland, spent his time procrastinating and studying Psychology and Philosophy. Frank harbors a special interest in weird social phenomena (which are ALL social phenomenon if you think about them long enough).

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