Dear End of the World As We Know It,

 

What the fuck, man?! You used to be cool! Pardon me for starting off so strong, but seriously, WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?! I just got back from days of hiding in my home-made bunker in the woods, surrounded by a mountains of canned food, ammunition and my Rita Hayworth poster when I came to know, to my great and unending dismay, that the world, again!, refused to die. What the fu…

Wait…

Alright, I apologize. Let’s start over, shall we?

Really now, we can’t really blame you, End of the World As We Know It. (yeah, good luck getting that REM song out of your head for the next five days). We have this love/hate-hate/love thing going on, if you know what I mean. Oh wait, you don’t? I mean to say that you’re relevant for a reason, because deep down inside, we all love ourselves a good old apocalypse. So good for you on that one!

Now that we’ve concluded this pleasant formality of giving credit where credit is due, I hope you’ve got your flame shield up, because here comes the complain-train.

Ad

Because seriously, what happened to you? End of the World prophecies used to be freaking awesome! They had fire and brimstone, meteors, man-made plagues, horrible locusts with tails like scorpions, volcanoes, gods that devoured time itself, aliens… It hit all our subconscious fear-buttons, it had all the thrills of watching a horror movie while being in a horror movie. That sounds odd, doesn’t it? Why would anyone want to experience horrors first hand, rather than just passively observing it in the comfort of knowing that you’re safe? Well, to understand that, you need to understand that the most essential thing about human behavior is not a longing for safety, but plain old arrogance. There’s nothing that people won’t do or want if they think it will make them more important than others. And what’s more awesome than being part of the generation that will get to hear the final curtain call of history? Isn’t it secretly a thrill to know that when you die, the world dies with you? Not just that: what about having known about it all along? All of that used to come at a price: knowing that your death would involve some god-awful force of nature.

But, like we’ve said, you’ve change, End of the World As We Know It. I already admitted that I fell for it again with your latest Maya bullshit, but to be perfectly frank, I wasn’t really feeling it this time. Maybe the Internet and the rapid exchange of information has left most of us cynical: unable to let our primitive fears and suspicions go wild at the faintest notion of calamity because the Information Highway has already found and publicized a zillion ways to explain away and mock the thing that could potentially scare us. Because what is the best that you, End of the World, can offer in the 21st century? An incomplete calendar of a dead civilization? You gotta be shitting me! We used to go apeshit whenever some Bible verse about the Middle-East somehow became relevant again, or when we actually build technology that could convert humans into smoking puddles of plasma in an instant. Say what you will about the 20th century, but at least we had a legitimate fear of waking up to the sound of world cities being reduced to a radioactive crater, and we lacked the immediate exchange of information to quell fear-mongering. Ah, those good old days! Nowadays we get to learn about news by seeing a parody of it first. Ten points to Beaudrillard on that one: the copies have become more ‘real’ than the original.

So let this be a wake-up call to you, my dear End of the World: shape up before you lose us all! I hope that the year 2012 will be one of those periods in time that you’ll later come to accept as a ‘learning experience’. Next time, give us something to be genuinely scared off or we’ll never look you in the eyes again.

 

Yours Truly Forever,

-Frank Kool

 

P.S.: Michael Stipe and choke on a dick for all eternity for opening Pandora’s box of catchy tunes.

 

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.