The Netherlands has truckers, horse riders, hikers, bikers, chronic Uber-ers, and those who simply avoid the hassle of transport altogether by never going outside. 🙃
Yet, your preferred mode of movement in this tiny country (where everything feels practically within walking distance) says a lot about you. Let’s find out what exactly…
🚶 By foot? You always go the extra mile
All the world’s a catwalk, and you, the model. You sashay through streets with motivational beats blasting through headphones, knowing full well it’s your city and everyone else is just living in it. 💃
READ MORE | Public transport in the Netherlands: the complete guide
Whether you prefer strutting your stuff in heels, clogs, or, heaven forbid, flip-flops, you never stumble or sprain your ankle — impossible. Your leg coordination is too effortlessly Parisian for such a slip-up.
…Either that, or you’ve developed a concerning Fitbit addiction that means you’ll do anything to get those steps in, including mindlessly jaywalking to work — watch out for Amsterdam’s fietsers!
🚲 Ahh, the bicycle — Dutch, much?
Bikes: the ultimate emblem of Dutchness. Like a knight upon a steed, you grace the streets on your two-wheeler — and it’s probably also while you’re hands-free or simultaneously texting.
Let’s face it, your mastery means that, regardless of whether you actually are or not, you seem hella Dutch. And hey, we’re not saying that’s a bad thing at all.
Whether it be an omafiets, racefiets (we mean you, wielrenners), or a stolen fiets, you will happily ride that thing until it’s been run into the ground (or drowned in a canal). If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
READ MORE | 19 things the Dutch did to make cycling easy and attractive
People don’t believe you when you say you don’t work out because your thighs are rock-hard. We guess a bike ride a day keeps the doctor away. 🚲
🏍️ Motorbike? You don’t answer to anyone 😎 (can’t hear them over the volume)
Slow down, cowboy. When you feel the motorbike’s vibration and the sound of that engine roaring beneath you, you feel wheely cool.
So much so that you can hardly stop yourself from blurting out “Salutations, milady” or “lekkertje” to a random passerby and zooming off poetically into the sunset before they can report you for harassment.
You can’t help it. This hairy biker/hell’s angel has always been trapped inside you. And with the rev of a Harley and tip of a fedora, you set him free. 🤠
🚖 Uber? Get a grip (on some handlebars)
In the nicest way possible, you are part of the reason why millennials have a bad rep. It’s why we all keep getting told to “go outside and touch grass”, etc.
Maybe this habit started off innocently enough. One naughty Uber trip a week wasn’t hurting anybody until it led to two, then three. Before you knew it, you were taking them everywhere at all times.
Now you’re such a regular, every Dutch Uber driver knows the ins and outs of your love life.
We get it, it’s a slippery slope. The good news is it’s not too late to turn this around. Pull the brakes on your Uber dependency by investing in a sturdy stadsfiets instead. Delete. That. App. Thank you. 🙂
🚆 Train? Where you always complain?
Let’s be honest. You sort of love the drama of it all. Sprinting through the station, shoving past people, and gasping, “ga uit mijn weg!” (get out of my way).
The frantic dash onto the platform before the train doors slam shut in a near-decapitation. That pang of adrenaline as the train jolts over the tracks, which creaks and moans in terror like a roller coaster ride.
READ MORE | Train etiquette on Dutch trains: 8 things you’ll always see
Once inside, you like to discreetly eavesdrop on the scandalous conversations people have on their phones. You also secretly shove on some cologne/perfume because, well, you never know. Maybe you’ll meet the love of your life on a train one day. 👉👈🚅
🔌 Is it an e-bike? You want to pretend to be healthy
You say you’re going to do yoga but end up lying on your bedroom floor and just napping five minutes in.
Maybe that 50-hours-a-week job has whittled down all and any energy reserves, or your thighs just hurt like hell after leg day, but the bottom line is, you just can’t be arsed anymore.
So, you splash out on the latest e-bike to avoid having to pedal the 5 kilometres it takes to reach your office.
READ MORE | 7 things you need to know when buying a refurbished e-bike
Even so, you want to maintain the appearance of an actual human being who exercises on a semi-regular basis. The e-bike provides a simulation convincing enough that your legs are what’s plodding that thing along.
Plus, the cold air hitting your face keeps you from passing out behind the “wheel”. 😶🌫️
🚌 Bus? Is it driving you mad — we mean, around?
Your daily commute consists of sweaty strangers coughing and children screaming. From the chaotic queueing to last-minute cancellations and jackets getting stuck in automatic bus doors — what’s not to love about bussing?
Still, the trials and tribulations of public transport are what build character. You’re so jaded and hardened by the mysteriously stained seats that aeroplane rides and bumper cars are a breeze in comparison.
Your stomach, too, is as hard as nails. Twists and turns on winding roads while you stab away at your phone’s keyboard no longer faze you — basically, you’re motion sickness-proof. And all-around invincible. 💪
🚁 Helicopter parent? You’re a bored billionaire
Okay, Jeff Bezos. Come back to earth — literally as well as figuratively.
That whirring sound isn’t a bird, plane, or even a governmental drone. Instead, it’s a billionaire flaunting their wealth and infinite belongings (*cough* hoarder) to us mere serfs forced to serve them.
You might use euro banknotes for toilet paper and own half of Amsterdam’s real estate, but there’s no need to show off just because you can. It seems like you’re on a police search, hovering above us like that.
Get down from that high horse of yours — although an actual horse would be more environmentally friendly. 🤔
How accurate was this highly-scientific mode of transport-based psychoanalysis? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
