✍🏻 Written by Stephanie Hasselaar-Veltkamp, divorce lawyer at GMW lawyers.
Ending a relationship is never easy, especially when you’re living in another country. But how should you navigate it? Should you use a mediator?
In the end, the best person to answer this question is the professional. That’s why we spoke with the experts at GMW lawyers to ask their opinion on using mediation when ending your relationship in the Netherlands.
GMW lawyers has five lawyer-mediators within their firm who can help you in a divorce situation, or when ending your relationship.
These mediators handle all the different aspects of ending a relationship, such as children, financial aspects, spousal and child support, but also the explanation and application of international law in cases of divorce and the ending of a relationship.
Here’s what divorce lawyer Stephanie Hasselaar-Veltkamp has to say.
My relationship is ending — when should I consider using a mediator?
It’s important to know that in the Netherlands, you always need to consult a lawyer to get a divorce. This is because a divorce petition must be filed by a lawyer.
And what about mediation? That’s where lawyer-mediators come in. Lawyer-mediators are family lawyers who have completed a specialisation course to become a lawyer-mediator.
They will act as a neutral party for both parties during your divorce, and have the authority to file for divorce in the Netherlands (as opposed to “just” being a mediator).
If you have decided to divorce, an important question to consider is how you want to shape this process. Put simply, there are two ways to do this: each with your own lawyer, or through a lawyer-mediator.
READ MORE | Divorces in the Netherlands: All you need to know
Once you have made the joint decision to separate, it is therefore advisable to contact a mediator.
Tip: Even if you weren’t married but were in a relationship, it is still wise to approach a lawyer-mediator if you need or want to make arrangements. For example, about the children or the settlement of the marital property.
What exactly does a mediator do in a breakup or divorce?
So, you’ve opted to use a mediator. How will this work during your breakup?
A mediator will sit down with both of you, guiding and informing you throughout the process. An important goal of mediation is for you to reach agreements regarding the financial settlement of the divorce and any possible children.
The mediator will inform you about the legal aspects of the case and will help you reach agreements together.
However, it’s important to note that mediation is not just sitting around the table and talking. Commitment is necessary. Mediation takes place in a confidential atmosphere, guaranteed by a mediation agreement.
READ MORE | Everything you need to know about mediators in the Netherlands
The focus is on solution-oriented action and thinking in terms of (joint) interests and not positions.
What are the pros of using a mediator to end my relationship?
An advantage of mediation is that it is usually completed faster than court proceedings. It is also often cheaper; after all, you jointly pay for one mediator instead of two lawyers.
Another important advantage is that you make the agreements yourself and do not have them imposed on you by a judge.
Finally, mediation often has a healing effect on mutual communication. This is not only in your interest but also in the interest of your children, if you have any.
Is mediation only for married couples, or can unmarried partners use it too?
Divorce isn’t the only thing that can cause emotional turmoil. Moving out of the home you shared with your ex can also be difficult.
Regardless of whether or not you were married, ending a cohabitation can also have consequences. For example, if there are minor children, a parenting plan must be drawn up.
Or perhaps you have a cohabitation agreement that still needs to be terminated and financially settled. The mediator can help you with this.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether you are married or not: mediation is always an option if you want to reach agreements together.
My marriage/civil partnership did not occur in the Netherlands, can I still use a mediator?
The location where the marriage was entered into is irrelevant for the use of a mediator. If you live in the Netherlands, in most cases, you can get divorced here in the Netherlands.
It may be that the law of another country applies to a subject that will be dealt with during the divorce, for instance, maintenance or the division of the matrimonial property.
Our lawyer-mediators can help you determine which law applies and provide insight into the consequences this has for you.
My children are not Dutch, what can a mediator do for them?
If your children live in the Netherlands, in general, the Dutch court has jurisdiction to hear requests concerning the children.
In addition, based on private international law, the law of the country where the children have their habitual residence generally applies.
READ MORE | Separations and divorce in the Netherlands: what does it mean for our kids? An expert’s advice
Put simply, if the children live in the Netherlands, then Dutch law applies; the nationality of the children is irrelevant.
If foreign law does apply, the lawyer-mediators from GMW lawyers can also assist with this. Sometimes it requires the involvement of a foreign lawyer.
What happens if my partner refuses to cooperate in mediation?
One of the basic principles of mediation is that it is based on voluntary participation. At the start of the mediation, agreements are made about the process, including that both parties will make every effort to bring the mediation to a successful conclusion.
The mediator will try to encourage this; however, if one of the parties is unwilling to cooperate, the mediation will not be effective. This may result in the mediation having to be terminated.
For example, the lawyer-mediator must terminate the mediation at some point if one of the parties is unwilling to participate or does not follow the lawyer-mediator’s instructions and persists in this attitude.
It is important to remember that cooperation in mediation often yields better results for both parties.
Are there any situations where mediation isn’t recommended?
In our opinion, there are no situations in which mediation is not recommended.
If you know in advance that you are not on the same page in the discussion, the mediator is there to help you and guide you together to reach an agreement.
One argument that comes up with parties is that someone prefers to have their own representative.
However, this is also possible in combination with mediation. If the parties feel the need for it, this is something you can agree on.
If you are both open to mediation and want to actively work towards a joint result, then mediation is always recommended.
Do I really need a mediator when ending my relationship in the Netherlands?
Mediation is always worth considering, especially if you intend to remain on good terms after the divorce or separation.
A lawyer-mediator can guide you and help you through the breakup, which can provide a good foundation for the future. Mediation has many advantages over going through the process of a divorce supervised by lawyers.
Do you have questions about a mediation procedure? Contact one of the lawyer-mediators at GMW lawyers for further information. They are happy to help internationals in the Netherlands navigate the end of their relationships.
Have you used a mediator in the Netherlands before? Tell us about your experience below.