William III of England by Candle Light.

In a surprise move, after long and quiet negotiations, Dutch and Scottish officials have now come forward with an agreement that will grant Scotland instantaneous EU membership – annexation of Scotland by the Kingdom of the Netherlands. Effectively doubling the size of the latter and more than tripling the population of Scotland. It’s another shock move by the Dutch government after first appointing Geert Wilders as the new ambassador to Turkey.

 

After careful consideration and preparation it has been decided that King William-Alexander of Orange-Nassau is justifiably the new monarch by the official “Line of Succession of the British Throne”, ranking 850th in line. This may seem rather far from the Top 10 – or even Top 100 – successors however due to ‘aggravating historical context’ it is in fact justifiable by international law given William-Alexander’s blood lineage, be it distant, to William III of England – informally known as “King Billy” to Scots – who took the throne of the Netherlands in 1672 by coup.
William III travelled, by boat, to the Netherlands arriving at the beach of Scheveningen after a gruelling eighteen hours to claim his rightful place in the then Republic of Seven Provinces of the Netherlands.

 

Sailing for Scotland

 

As such it has been agreed upon that William-Alexander will travel, by dinghy, from Scheveningen beach (the Hague) to Edinburgh’s Portobello-beach to meet with First-Minister Nicola Sturgeon to claim the throne on April 27th, well known to Dutchmen as the national holiday “King’s Day”. After the Scottish First-Minister has signed the rights to the throne to King William-Alexander, officially ceding from the United Kingdom, his majesty’s title will change to William IV, colloquially to be known as “King Lex” to Scots, and festivities will burst loose all throughout both nations.

Soon to be inspecting the Highland regiments

As a gesture of good will, King William-Alexander will bring boatloads of herring, Heineken-beer and proper football players such as Lex Immers to Scotland for the local population to enjoy. In exchange the King will return to Holland with Haggis and Scotland’s finest whiskey to celebrate.

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Scottish nationals will be able to apply for Dutch, and as a result EU, citizenship the following day – becoming effective immediately. They are asked to identify themselves by passport or speaking several sentences of Gaelic. Non-Scottish citizens are welcome to stay, by official decreed, as the Netherlands seeks to demonstrate to its new nationals that the Dutch way is not of nationalism but of inclusion and understanding. Celebrations of King’s Day however will be mandatory.

 

 

 

Make Scotland Dutch and Free Again

First-Minister Nicola Sturgeon will stay at the helm of Scottish affairs, allowing for proper, sovereign democratic functioning under the new kingdom as opposed to former pressure from 10 Downing Street. Dutch Prime-Minister Mark Rutte has invited First-Minister Sturgeon to visit the Netherlands for a beer-bicycle tour around Amsterdam, eating ‘poffertjes’ (miniature pancakes) at Scheveningen beach in the Hague after a tour throughout the “Binnenhof” where the government is seated. Also attending is Rotterdam’s mayor Ahmed Aboutaleb, who will bring fine quality Jenever (Dutch Gin) and Goudse Kaas (Gouda Cheese).

So far no official word has been heard from 10 Downing Street, though unconfirmed reports have stated that Theresa May has locked herself in a room hysterically crying and dry heaving. Queen Elizabeth II is said to have scrapped all invitations to the annual “Ballroom Festivities” that were reserved for… Dutch officials.

17 COMMENTS

  1. Nice! However, the vision of our First Minister on a biking tour, with beer and pancakes is where you fell down.

    She just doesn’t drink beer… ;D
    Next year try harder!

  2. I like the idea of exchanging whisky for some decent football players. And herrings in oatmeal has potential for international trade………

  3. Although opposed in principle to monarchy, you know I think this might just work. In any case it would be no worse than our present position as part of the UK, much better in fact. Some might argue that we’d be better off annexed by Norway or Denmark, but hey, any port in a storm 🙂
    Rumour has it that a team of specialist genealogists are already searching for a suitable Welsh Pretender …

  4. Was surprised to read this! Also because we didnt hear or read anything about this in NL…. Now I gave it a second look and noticed the date….. too bad this news popped up 2 days later in Google now lol

  5. Is there a use for thistles in the Netherlands?
    Then thinking of bag pipes and the highlands…… The highlands of Holland…. he Hollow land for the Scots????? Hmmmm, needs a bit of thinking through…… Haggis and herring mix? (all 3 begin with H) Maybe topped with Gouda cheese might make this mix palatable…… Luckily Heather (another H) luckily already exists in Holland (I mean the Netherlands)

  6. Oh yes please! I only read this now, but man this would be the perfect solution to us Dutchies in the U.K. would gladly move to Scotland and have Dutch Citizenship for my whole family, hubby is English, but he would rather not be at the moment…

  7. I am afraid the beer bicycle is banned from Amsterdam nowadays, so this tour must be skipped.

    Concerning the mix of kitchen cultures, I propose Deep Fried Stroopwafels.

    • I am a British person currently learning Dutch and I find my Scottish accent actually makes it a lot easier to pronounce words! Lucky my parents chose to move to Scotland from England when I was 3 haha! I also found this post so mean – I wish it was happening!!

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