What your favourite Dutch FEBO snack says about you

You are what you eat. That means the greasy junk food you shove directly from a Dutch FEBO wall into your mouth on Friday nights (while your judgement is impaired) must be a correct representation of your innermost being. Don’t worry, we jest, we jest. 

But still, it cannot be denied: even when being blinded by starvation hysteria, it takes a special kind of person to opt for plain patat, as opposed to a freaky frikandel, or a classy kaasoufflé.

So let’s find out what your favourite of these mouthwatering Dutch specialities reveals about your personality in this highly scientific article.

🍟 Patat/friet (fries)? You avoid food poisoning at all costs

You’ve been burned before. Maybe all it took was a seemingly harmless little shrimp. Next thing you knew, you had set up camp in a toilet stall for 24 hours so you could projectile vomit at five-minute intervals. 🤢

Whatever your haunting encounter with food poisoning looked like, one thing is for sure: you sure as heck aren’t going to risk having a repeat at this sketchy fast food wall. Nuh-uh. Never again. 🙅‍♀️

So, you warily edge around your feared foods trapped inside their steel cages and select a sauceless portion of good ole patat. Your friends call you a coward, but one day they’ll pay the price, and when that day comes, you won’t hold their hair back while they puke. 😈

READ MORE | ‘Friet’ or ‘patat’? The ultimate guide to Dutch fries

🤐 Frikandel? You don’t eat and tell  

Oo, a vegetarian late-night slip-up, perhaps? You’ve got a hoodie pulled down over your face in an attempt at anonymity as you tiptoe your way through the dimly lit snack bar and reach for a cheeky, chewy frikandel. 

To be fair, a frikandel’s contents are so ground up, that it barely counts as meat anymore, no? 👀

Still, no one can ever know you were here, understood? You’re a healthy, disciplined human (with a TikTok account dedicated to meat-free meal prep) who eats homecooked, noncarcinogenic dinners six nights a week. 

It’s not your fault your inner snack demon possessed you to come here. You might even go as far as to ask the store manager to delete security camera footage of you entering. Is that so wrong? 🤫

👨‍🍳 Kaassoufflé (Cheese soufflé)? Pretending you’re in France

“What can I get for you?” asks the man behind the counter. (You hate using the weird locker thingies).  

“Kaasouffllé,” you reply airly, then clasp the dish in your silk-gloved fingers. 💁

An apostrophe over the ‘e’ goes a long way. It’s doing so much heavy lifting that as you close your eyes and bite into the soft pillow of melted cheese, you imagine you’re eating off a porcelain plate on a Parisian terrace, as opposed to say, a soggy paper sheet outside a FEBO wall in the rain.

READ MORE | Dutch Quirk #32: Eat a lot of very questionable snack food

Regardless of what went down at the stinky rave you just attended, you like to approach any “hangover cure” with prestige and class. Besides, “cheese pastry” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. 👑

🍔 A standard burger? Welcome to NL, you must be new around here

“Bitter balls”? Feeling nauseous, you back away from the menu’s fine print with your hand clenched over your mouth in horror. 

It’s been five hours since you got off the plane at Schiphol airport for a weekend of degenerate, British-style stag do fun. Now that you’ve been thrown out of many a bar for your “lad” antics, you could murder a thicc slice of pizza, a kebab, or a hotdog. 😋

READ MORE | ‘We never stop drinking’: British men react to Amsterdam’s Stay Away campaign

But alas, instead you are met with the hardship of dodgy Dutch cuisine, which your stomach doesn’t have the capacity to deal with (yet). You know this city wanted you to “Stay Away”, but given these food options, it’s like they’re trying to kill you! 😲

Your eyes scan the cubbies for something familiar until they land on what appears to be a plain old burger. Thank God those taste the same everywhere.  

🐔 Kipburger (chicken burger)? You’re a gym bro on a cheat day

You grunt while completing minor tasks because it allows you to demonstrate what a strong alpha male you are. 💪

That is why you find yourself flexing your biceps performatively as you tap your card, purchasing a healthy-ish (if a little dry) kipburger from the FEBO. Then you sprinkle a bit of extra protein powder on top for good measure. 

READ MORE | What your favourite Dutch supermarket says about you

“It’s my cheat day. I’ve been bench-pressing 140 kilos all week so it’s time for me to carb up. I’m allowed to be here,” you hear yourself explain in a loud voice, to no one in particular, before scurrying out of there. 👉👈

😮‍💨 Kipkorn (chicken stick)? Do you have the munchies?

Could the fact that you’re inspecting all the snacks with a foolish smile plastered across your face have something to do with you being, well, a little geblunt (stoned) tonight? Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us. 🥦

Captivated by the bright neon lamps outlining the wall, you float toward the FEBO like a bloodshot-eyed moth to a flame. 

There, catching the fluorescent light and glistening in all its greasy glory, you see it: the love of your life, the only thing that ever understood you. A kipkorn. You nibble at it slowly, savouring each delectable bite, before mindlessly devouring the rest of the FEBO wall’s contents until the staff kick you out. 🤤

🧆 Rundvleeskroket (Beef croquette)? You’re not trying to impress anyone

Hobbling lopsidedly because you lost a shoe, and donning a shirt that wasn’t yours at the start of the night, you make for the first snack shack you see. 🥴

READ MORE | 5 Reasons I Love FEBO (aka that ever-giving wall of fried delicacies)

Then you thrust loose change into the cubby hole as if it’s a casino slot machine, and after snatching the rundvleeskroket with a clumsy fist, cram it into your mouth at once, not stopping to chew. Mascara was already streaked down your cheeks, but now crumbs and sticky sauce have been added to the mix. 

But so what if other customers stare at you like you’re mauling a small animal? You’re too sick and tired to care anymore. Plus, you’re so drunk you likely won’t remember this shameful moment! 😃

How accurate was this list? Do you feel “seen” or misrepresented? Share your thoughts in the comments below!