Why don’t the Dutch say sorry?

Coming from England, I have the habit of saying “sorry” even when someone has run over my foot with a truck. So, when I found out we were moving to the Netherlands earlier this year, one of the first words I wanted to look up was “sorry” in Dutch.

On my flight over I rapidly flicked through the little pocket book of Dutch I’d bought at the airport. Amongst how to order a coffee and ask for the bill, I was amused and perplexed to find that “sorry” in English was also “sorry” in Dutch.

I soon realised, however, that the Dutch don’t really say it. As an Australian friend of mine once said “there are no ‘sorrys’ in sport”. For the Dutch, there are no “sorry’s” in life.

Yes, they have lots of other ways of sort of saying “sorry” like het spijt me, meaning “it displeases me”), but none of them really amount to the same thing.

What happens if you say “sorry” in Dutch?

Using the word “sorry” in Dutch is one of the quickest ways of being found out as a foreigner. No matter how good your ja, alstublieft, nee hoor, and dank u wel is in the queue at Albert Heijn as soon as you say “sorry”, a Dutch person will almost invariably switch to English.

READ MORE | How to speak Dutch in seven words or less

I’ve even tried rapidly following it up with wat zeg je?, but it never works. Where an English person says sorry, a Dutchman never would.

As I have come to realise after my first six months in the Netherlands, language tells you a lot about a country and its culture, and the lack of a word for “sorry” is linked to that famed Dutch directness that you’ve heard so much about.

If you’ve lived here for any length of time, though, you come to understand that it is a far more subtle and complex notion than just being direct for the sake of it.

So why don’t they say “sorry”?

Perhaps even more perplexing for an Englishman, why don’t they queue? Of course, the answer is that they do, but only when it’s necessary. If something can be achieved quicker and more efficiently without queuing, then they do that.

READ MORE | 7 ways life in the UK is drastically different to life in the Netherlands

And this is what lies behind the lack of “sorry”. When you think about it, it doesn’t serve a purpose. Why say it at all, unless you really have just run over someone’s foot with a truck?

The catch is, of course, that when the English say “sorry”, they never really mean it. There’s always a big gulf between what they say and what they mean (this is what makes English comedy so good).

If you bump into someone and they say “sorry”, they’re not actually apologising. It’s more like an interjection, an ‘oh!’ than a genuine expression of sorrow.

Like the Dutch, then, the English aren’t really sorry, but they just say they are. Adjusting to this new reality is only one of the many challenges of living in a new country, but once you begin to see beneath the surface you might realise that we’re not so different after all.

Do you think the Dutch should say sorry more, or should the rest of the world follow their lead? Tell us your thoughts in the comments below!

Editor’s Note: his article was originally published in June 2018, and was fully updated in June 2022 for your reading pleasure.

Feature Image:Pexels

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28 COMMENTS

  1. I am sorry Nick, but you have to work on your Dutch a little longer. Het spijt me literally means it regrets me a.k.a. I regret.

  2. I usually say ‘pardon’, as an ‘excuse me, may I pass’, or when accidentally bumping into someone (not running over their foot, that I would be sorry for), or as a ‘sorry, can you repeat that, I didn’t hear you’, or ‘may I have your attention please’.

  3. If we didn’t hear what someone said we also say “pardon?…” But sometimes “sorry” also helps in the city center if they want to take an annoying survey.. If they only look for non-tourists they are done right away

  4. The best descirption I’ve ever read from a native English speaker (booklet “Undutchables”):

    Having just arrived in The Netherlands a Brittish person is bumped into at a grocery store.

    The Dutch person does apologize with a quick “Sorry hoor”. The Brittish person is completely baffelled as she understood it as “Surrey whore”.

    No wonder we’re seen as a blunt bunch!! 😉 😉

  5. What a load of shite. Ofcourse we say sorry in Dutch. The reason people switch to English when you say sorry is likely because you pronounce sorry the English way (“sawry” vs “sohry, with the ‘r’ in the front of the mouth”) and we recognise the accent so we immediately switch to English.

  6. I’ve lived in the Netherlands for more than thirty years, in many different regiions, towns and cities, and speak the language fluently. People here who are commenting that the Dutch DO apologise, or that the phrase “het spijt me” really DOES mean “I’m sorry” are missing the point. The point is that compared to the Brits (and many other nations too), the Dutch rarely apologise – for anything. This is not just a matter of saying sorry or not when bumping into you. The average Dutch person seems not to be prepared to admit mistakes or culpability. They will state their opinions about what did or did not happen, but rarely (by comparison) are they willing to concede and apologise for any effect their actions may have had on you. This is as true in commerce as it is in everyday life. In industry it is particularly acute, as the individuals do not typically see themselves as ambassadors of that industry. They do not typically feel responsible for the services or goods they are providing, and so will rarely apologise for any problems in those services/goods. They seem to think that the apology would imply that THEY personally had done something wrong, while they are simply a facilitator or some kind. I have had many experiences where they accept thaat there is a problem, that that has been an inconvenience, that something was confusing or that something different should have happened etc., but where they still did not simply apologize for that. It’s like there’s a collective national mental block about apologising. As a customer struggling with an issue, this can be more than a little upsetting (unless you’re Dutch of course, in which case you presumably don’t even notice).

    • That is because we mostly cannot be bothered to dwell on it. If something has gone wrong, we try to figure out what it was, how it happened, how to make it right and then how to try to avoid it. Sorry does not really add anything to either of those points. And compared to the English we do say sorry a lot less, but seriously the English say sorry for everything, so much so that it becomes rather rediculous. The Dutch do say sorry and if they dont say it enough, then yeah, it’s your culture that is to blame not the Dutch I’d say 😉

      • Saying sorry is not about admitting being wrong, it is said to show the other person what we regret causing them trouble, distress, inconvenience. The British are a very polite nation, we pride ourselves on this and good manners mean everything to us. Highly valued. When a person does not offer a word of ‘sorry’ or similar when they have made a mistake, especially when they have caused another person some distress because of their actions, the right and proper thing to do is to offer a word of sorry. It means you care about the other human, to actively avoid saying sorry to this person, (as sadly has been my experience of living in The Netherlands for 6 years), shows these people up as lacking in manners or humanity or that they really do not care about the other person. A very cold-hearted attitude. Most Dutch people, try to dress this response up as ‘business-like’, or ‘not dwelling on it’ , or some other rationale explanation. All the time this is just a cover up, trying to distract from the fact that they lack the deep humanity to show another human being that they are in the wrong. This shows them up to be arrogant and self-serving. It is a very unattractive quality in a race. Sad but true. I will not miss this attitude when I leave. A real shame as The Dutch have so much to offer, this really does leave a very bitter taste in your mouth. Very sad. They need to learn some good honest manners and drip the arrogant act. I obviously will await the irate Dutch responses, telling me how wrong I am and how it is not their fault, it is mine 😏

        • The British are polite? Yes they might say sorry but behind your back it’s a different thing. And if you live long enough in the UK (17 years now) you know that the whole “polite” thing is a good show. Deep down it’s a different story. Brexshit showed what is really going on in the UK

  7. The Nederlanders do have a word for I “am Sorry”. ” Het spijt me” means I am sorry and “Ik heb er spijt van”, means I regret it. The word “Spijt” have 2 different meanings.

  8. Actually when the British say sorry they usually DO mean it, at least to some extent. This is a cultural difference that goes very deep.

  9. @OP
    “The catch is, of course, that when the English say ‘sorry’, they never really mean it.”
    This is plain wrong. We do mean it, but the meaning and strengthof “sorry” can varydepending on context. The article is wrong on may points.

    In English used within the anglophere, the word sorry can mean many things e.g:
    Apology
    Excuse me.
    Interjection
    Seeking clarification

    I have never heard anybody in Belgium apologise ( I know some do), but I have heard people in the Nederland apologise.

    Disclaimer: I’m a Brit, who has lived in Amsterdam for five years and have lived in various cities in Belgium for seven years.

    Bav/mvg, Soph

  10. In fact saying sorry can be a good way to make a Dutch person angry. As a Dutch person I have experienced this multiple times already. They can say things like ‘I don’t need to hear your excuses.’ or ‘I can’t buy anything with apologies.’ or they go really deep into how you wronged them and why so that everyone can see how they are the better person in the room.
    So I would just advise that you just explain that you understand the situation and leave it at that.

  11. When I realised I am wrong, I would say ‘Neem mij niet kwalijk’ as in…I apologise, excuse me, or oh I’m sorry. So the Dutch DO apologise. You just need to learn to listen to it.

  12. I do say sorry when I bump in to someone.
    I do say sorry but..when I don’t agree with someone.
    I do say sorry when I call someone on a late moment or during diner time.
    I do say sorry when I arrive late at an appointment.
    I do say sorry when I make a mistake.
    It’s just how your parents learned you do be polite.
    I’m dutch , sorry haha

  13. As a Dutch living in America I have come to realise ‘I’m sorry’ can be an empathetic expression or an apologetic expression. Most Dutch will apologize when they know they were wrong or accidentally hurt you (apologetic). But many Dutch will not feel bad for you in many instances that we feel are overly dramatic (empathetic). In America I have learned to say ‘I’m sorrry’ more than I mean it, simply to keep the peace. But to me, Americans are often overly emotional and dramatic, and I seem to them often cold and distant. They are not and I am not, we just express things differently. Dutch have the tendency to toughen up and not show our emotions in public. That doesn’t mean we don’t have them, we just don’t put them on display. The American ‘how are you’ in greeting, to me, is as empty as often their ‘I’m sorry’. They often don’t say bc they mean it.

  14. The Dutch find sorry very difficult as it means admitting making a mistake and the Dutch don’t make mistakes, right?

    • Same in Belgium. I’ve never heard of a Belgian messig up and admitting a mistake:
      Hey I ran over the neighbours foot – they broke – and I just shrugged , asked if they were ok, and drove away. I kid you not.

  15. When I apologise I mean it. I own my actions and any subsequent mistakes. I am not afraid of responsibility and accountability and I will apologise by saying sorry.

    Additionally, sorry in English is also used to express empathy and understanding.

    There is nothing wrong with Sorry. I prefer Sorry over utter indifference and a lack of respect and care, which is inevitability conveyed by someone who messes up, and refuses to admit a mistake, and move on.

  16. Many Dutch people don’t apologize for anything at all, not even to friends. They would rather break off a relationship than admit a mistake. If they make completely inappropriate sexist or racist comments, they will just shrug it off and try to shift the blame on you instead; “Why are you making a fuss of this?”. Even if they clearly know they are in the wrong, they would never admit it in public. It is literally an unwritten code amongst the younger generations (zeg geen sorry!), and people can get irritated with you if you say sorry. There is an endless stream of articles you will find online about ‘people that say sorry too much’ and ‘how to avoid saying sorry’… There is something seriously wrong with our mentality, I believe. But it is definitely not exclusive to the younger generations. I was raised to always say ‘please’, but I’m not baffled anymore when I hear an elderly man bark his commands to the store clerk. It seems there is very little common decency or politeness left in our society. I guess here the rot starts at the top. The one person that is most responsible for this deterioration in our character is probably Mark Rutte. After he was convicted for racial discrimination while he was a state secretary, he didn’t apologize… He said: “If the law says it is illegal, then we will change the law.”

  17. My experience as a Brit has been completely consistent with an inability to accept that they have caused you distress. Example: a workman rings doorbell to do work inside your house. You are not expecting them, he made no appointment. It is your day off work to celebrate a family celebration. You say you need to make an appointment, today is not convenient. He says, I am in the area, it will only take 4 minutes. You agree. He wants to do more work, you say no. You say that this has been very inconvenient to you and he has disturbed your day off, in future make an appointment. He says, I have 3000 houses to look at in The Netherlands, I cannot make an appointment with each one, that is crazy. You again say but you have disturbed me and he says that is not my problem it is your problem. So, direct or rude? I know how I feel. In the UK this person would be out of business with such an unprofessional attitude.

  18. As an American married to a Dutchman, and living part time in the Netherlands, Dutch people do say sorry for little things like bumping into you in the grocery store. But, when they do something wrong, this takes saying sorry to an entirely different level. My experience is just as what has been said above. Dutch people are practically incapable of saying sorry and feeling remorse when they have done something wrong. They would rather lose a relationship, even with family, rather than admit they were wrong. These comments are fascinating to me b/c I see this first hand and can’t understand how or why I don’t hear sorry when I should. I guess I shouldn’t expect this to get any better.

  19. My father said: “don’t say sorry; just don’t do it again!”
    Saying sorry, without changing the behavior that caused you to have to say it, doesn’t mean a thing.
    Don’t like “empty words”.

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