The 11 crucial moments you wish you could speak fluent Dutch

Although the Dutch are famous for their English proficiency, there are some moments when you think you really wish you’d be able to speak Dutch.

Yes, English is widely spoken and understood in the Netherlands, but still, it can’t always be the universal language.

There are situations where speaking English just won’t do it; here are 11 of them. 👇

1. Battling every international’s nightmare: the hairdresser

Let’s start with our toughest crusader, ladies and gentlemen: the kapsalon. AKA: the ultimate spot for miscommunication.

READ MORE | 7 ways to learn Dutch fast and easy: our best tips to learn ‘Nederlands’ in life

Getting lost in translation is what hairdressers all over the world do best, so our precious locks can easily get messy when adding the Dutch language factor into the mix.

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2. Sampling some Dutch bureaucracy at the tax office

Be-Las-Ting-Dienst (repeat that 30 times), aka the national tax services, can also offer daunting experiences to any non-Dutch speaker. It’s confusing, risky, and frustrating at the same time.

Life-saving tip: call the English-speaking line directly, to avoid that cringy, “Yes ma’am, I can speak English, but I’m legally not allowed to.” True story.

But let’s not get too into the topic of customer service-related conversation in the Dutch red tape culture (or shall I say orange tape?). It’ll just take too long.

3. Eavesdropping at cafés

It might be rude, but we all do it. Eavesdropping on people at cafés is one of the most entertaining things you can do — if you speak the language.

It’s hard not to keep your ears peeled, because Onno, Menno, Remco & Co. are probably talking a lot of crap in their favourite bruincafés.

Would it be rude to whip out Google Translate? Sure, but you’re burning to know what that chaotic “hzoeifhogzeiHFozihefozefg” is all about.

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4. Navigating the sketchy art of ordering food

To the great frustration of many non-Dutch speakers, restaurant menus are sometimes poorly translated.

But who even cares about the difference between kapsalon (the food) and kapsalon (the hairdresser), anyway?

Another puzzling thing can be realising that your Dutch-speaking mates have many more lekker options to choose between on the menu…

5. Staying up to date on all the hot Dutch gossip

Foreign magazines are such a rip-off!

READ MORE | 21 YouTubers that’ll help you learn Dutch super fast

Let’s become fluent in Dutch, and kill two birds in one stone by saving money in any possible way, and staying up to date on the most recent gossip out there.

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6. Getting hit with “Dutch speakers only”

When going through the dramatic nightmare of looking for a decent room or a nice apartment in the Netherlands, most internationals can relate to this situation.

READ MORE | ‘No internationals’: A tale of exclusion in the Dutch housing market

Everything is looking fine, but then, the ad says (right at the bottom, just to keep you on your toes till the very end): Dutch speakers only. Ouch.

7. Learning that talking back in Dutch is an art form

Whenever some crazy fietsdriver shouts some outrageous insults, it can be very frustrating not knowing how to reply in true local style.

I’m afraid my pre-school level Dutch didn’t get me very far, that one time I tried insulting a cyclist. 😔

8. Getting asked how your Dutch is going

We all have that one uncle/friend/insert-annoying-person-here who will ask this question.

READ MORE | The top 16 free ways to learn Dutch

You’re having a relaxing vacation in your home country? Perfect time for one of your relatives to lash out with the lethally embarrassing, “So, how’s your Dutch going? You’ve been there for a while now, haven’t you?” Grrrrr! 😡

9. Missing crucial information (like street signs)

Dutch streets, cafés, and websites are full of, well, stuff in Dutch.

Needless to say, there are countless times when a bit of Dutch knowledge can come in handy, like that time my pants learned (the hard way) that what the neighbours’ sign actually meant was “wet paint”.

10. Needing to say, “I swear I’m funny in my native language”

You’re still trying to understand that Dutch joke you heard the other day at lunch, aren’t you?

Or the crunchy parts of that episode of Dagboek van een callgirl? Zonder subtitles, natuurlijk. (No subtitles, of course.)

READ MORE | How to learn Dutch: the ultimate guide (by people who learned!)

It’s not easy being funny, or understanding funny things, in a language you don’t speak, especially not in the Netherlands, with their very peculiar sense of humour…

11. Learning that some secrets will stay secrets forever

Whatever your significant other said in their sleep will remain gone in the drain of the unknown.

Even Google Translate won’t save the day, since you can’t even reproduce their combination of sounds, nor figure out how to spell it. Sigh.

Boy, if only dictionaries were edible and words could flow directly all the way up to our brain… keep on munching that Gouda, you never know.

But at the end of the day, don’t worry if Dutch words sound strange or don’t roll off the tongue naturally. These things take time, and you can learn Dutch if you really want to.

In what situations have you really wished you could speak Dutch? Tell us about your experience in the comments below!

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