It’s a frightening day for backsides in the Netherlands: straw toilet paper is now in stock at your local supermarket.
Sustainable straw toilet paper options are apparently spreading like wildfire across retailers’ inventories.
Rear-ends can only tremble in terror as we await our fate. People are dreading the prospect of chafing, and fearing for potential gluten intolerance flare-ups.
“Nature calls”
Still, sacrificing a bit of comfort while in the water closet could potentially save our lives and the planet, RTL Nieuws reports. 🌱
Research from hygiene specialist CWS revealed a devastating truth: we all mindlessly dispose of 57 toilet paper sheets every day. In a year, that figure amounts to roughly 21,000. *Sigh* If we had a dime for every sheet of toilet roll…
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Edet toilet paper, created by the company Essity, has been deemed more “sustainable” than regular toilet tissue as it is composed of 10% straw pulp — which they intend to crank up to 30% “in the future”. 👀
Sorry “treehuggers”, it turns out that to have a green thumb you should use straw paper on your…bum. 🥴 The reason why straw is a better option is simple: trees’ fibres grow at a more glacial pace than straw’s fibres, making them a much less renewable resource.
Too many people these days use toilet paper to wipe. I'm challenging you to join me, Zain "The Stain" Naghmi, to a towel-only September. Together we will put the "Stain" in Sustainable. #NoWipe
— Zain (@ZainNaghmi) September 1, 2022
Plus, far fewer food chains are dependent on straw to survive, which means that frankly, no one would really miss it once it’s flushed down in the powder room.
Basically, it’s renewable, it’s natural, it’s organic ✨…and Gwyneth Paltrow has probably already been using it for years.
Our behinds are…behind the times
As it turns out, so has Groningen! While we gawk in shock and horror, the northern Dutch province is currently scoffing at us weaklings. Their backsides have been hardened and jaded by years of getting accustomed to straw paper already.
That’s right — in the past, there were multiple paper factories located in Groningen all using straw, to the point where the concept (and sensation) became normalised.
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So, will we now have trouble sitting our hindquarters down? Voorma van Essity of Essity assures RTL Nieuws that the experience is no less soft than our usual tree-paper bathroom trips.
Others are paranoid about allergic reactions: “What if my gluten intolerance acts up from it?”, people are wondering — a conspiracy Van Essity (laughingly) shuts down.
Grab them rolls and prep your cheeks, guys, it’s time to do your part for the environment.
The well-being of the planet or the comfort of our behinds — which should we prioritise? Share your thoughts in the comments below!