Who needs horoscopes when we have Dutch supermarket stereotypes to define our personalities?
This article is your guide for projecting the image you want into the world simply by carrying around a plastic bag with a supermarket logo on it.
Although, for 50 cents in this country, you may just want to bring a cloth bag from home instead.
Just remember, as you stand leaning against a wall nonchalantly, that grocery receipt poking out of your jacket pocket is saying so much about you right now. The question is, what?
Shop at Dirk? You’re a creature of habit
Hmm. You don’t like making decisions, do you? In fact, you’re probably the type to own a dozen versions of the same pair of shirts and trousers to avoid making them.
You’re also probably not particularly adventurous. You’re not interested in exploring an extensive foreign food aisle — we mean, who really needs a smoked camembert?
READ MORE | Major Dutch supermarkets are scrapping paper and plastic bags for their fruits and veggies
That limited selection at Dirk just makes life easier. Maybe that means you’re the CEO/Steve Jobs type who needs to “reserve” his brain space for making more important, executive decisions.
Maybe you’re a bit of a “tech bro” who likes being quick and efficient, or maybe you just have serious issues 🙂. Kidding, kidding. But you also seem like that one guy who eats a pindakaas sandwich for lunch every day without fail.
Or maybe you’re struggling financially — and boy can we relate to that, we’ll see you in the off-brand cereal aisle with the tech bros.
More of a Jumbo fan? You’re an Albert Heijn wannabe:
Let’s face it, you’re a perfect human being. Flawless skin, bouncy hair, and an overall healthy glow. You probably eat a whole lot of ready-made sushi, vegan tikka masala, and avocado toast.
Your shopping basket contains food products inspired by buzzwords you read on “hip” insta pages. You’ll wake up to do yoga at 5 AM, and then make kale smoothies while listening to podcasts about the benefits of meditation.
You’re disciplined and somewhat frugal, but you know how to let your hair down and have a good time on occasion… by indulging in a €3.99 slice of vegan cheesecake now and again.
🙂.
Do you hop between Aldi and Lidl? Then … who are you?
If you frequent either of these two supermarkets, then it’s safe to say you live in obscurity, you’re not an exhibitionist.
Who cares about brands anyway? It’s all going to be ground up and swallowed down the hatch regardless.
READ MORE | The ultimate guide to the cheapest supermarkets in the Netherlands
So the label is written in a language you don’t know. What of it? Bacon bits look like bacon bits everywhere. It’s cheap, and that’s what matters.
And no, calling Lidl or Aldi cheap isn’t bad; everyone calls it cheap — including the companies themselves. It’s how they’ve marketed themselves and distinguished their stores from the pretentious Albert Heijn-goers.
Deze week bij Lidl: ”De Smaak van Nederland” 🇳🇱
— Voedingsweetjes | Leroy van de Ree (@voedingsweetje) May 30, 2023
Wat een fijnproevers zijn we ook pic.twitter.com/Ah5dyuMS3H
Translation: This week at Lidl: ”The Taste of the Netherlands”. We are also gourmet food lovers.
Is Albert Heijn your fav? You’re a fancy foodie
Your shelves are stacked with culinary books, you watch Michelin-star-related documentaries on Friday nights, and your Tinder bio promises you’re willing to cook a meal on the first date.
Frankly, you’re a (self-proclaimed) foodie, mainly inspired by Molly Baz.
READ MORE | Step aside, Albert Heijn: this Dutch supermarket is now the most expensive chain in the Netherlands
Oh, and you have extra money to spend. Possibly because of a divorce that worked out in your favour (yes, AH is a hotspot for middle-class divorcees, so if for whatever reason you wish to meet them, go there).
Snagged that AH bonus-card-toting 40-year-old? Great! Just know, you’ll probably attend wine tastings on a bi-monthly basis.
Actually, let’s put it this way: if you do happen to attend wine tastings of any sort, it’s pretty obvious where you’re buying your washing-up liquid from.
Beste @albertheijn het was een serieuze vraag. Waarom reageren jullie niet? Nogmaals wat is er aangepast aan de AH muesli fruit en noten. Mijn vermoeden is namelijk minder fruit. pic.twitter.com/6yZgQ4CX5W
— russel (@ralampe71) June 6, 2023
Translation: Dear @albertheijn it was a serious question. Why aren’t you responding? Again what has been adapted to the AH muesli fruit and nuts. My suspicion is less fruit.
Note: The above doesn’t apply if it’s just the supermarket closest to you. We’re all lazy, we get it.
Preference for Hoogvliet or Vomar? How… neutral
The likes of Albert Heijn and Jumbo are a tad too daunting for you, while Lidl might actually be too approachable.
You just like a nice, decent, middle-of-the-road, uncontroversial supermarket, okay? Is that so wrong? When it comes to politics, you’re probably a centrist too.
(You also frequent the shelves of Ikea and Hema for kitchen utensils and room decorations you likely won’t use.)
Raiding the shelves of Spar? What do you do for a living?
This one’s easy. You’re either blackout drunk, absolutely desperate for a cold drink, or a complete fool — possibly all three. But hey, we’ve all been there, literally and figuratively. 🙂
Do you feel these stereotypes were an accurate representation, or were they a gross misjudgement? Sound off in the comments below.
What a load of crap. Albert heijn for foodies and middle class? It’s cheap and nasty like all food in NL. Dutch review is beyond a joke and just a vessel for advertising revenue.