It’s been a few years since I moved as a lovepat to the Netherlands and, boy, that’s an emotional roller coaster.

Even more so when you move for love and not because you were offered a shiny new job, as is often the case for most expats living in the Netherlands.

I figured as I’d spent the previous year living, working and travelling in foreign countries that moving for the one I love would be easy. But, I was wrong. So wrong.

It’s been a very steep learning curve and uphill struggle – wait, who am I kidding, I don’t feel I’ve even made it halfway up the Dutch hill yet! Culture shock is far too real.

There are quite a few things I’ve learned about Dutch life and Dutch people since moving here but, for now, I’m going to share five things I took for granted when making the move to the Netherlands for love. 

5Being a lovepat would be the same as an expat

The Dutch have a word for those of us who move not for work, but for love: a lovepat. It sounds romantic, but in reality, the lack of a social circle is real. Especially in those first few months, looking for work, setting up a new home, not speaking the language.

My partner had lived in the Netherlands a whole year before I joined him. He at least had some work colleagues to see every day, even if they hadn’t cemented into friendships yet.

For me, I wanted to go out and meet people but that meant travelling into Amsterdam as the majority of meetups took place there. That was an 80 minute round trip via train every week.

I went and did make a few connections, but none of them lasted. Perhaps because they felt travelling the 80 minute round trip to mine every once in a while was too much, or they simply found it easier to connect with lovepats that lived locally.

My saving grace was finding a church to attend. I connected with people there. Although, 10 months in I still struggled to follow the sermons — all in Dutch.

4Finding work would be easy

The first thing I wanted to do was find a job. Having taught English as a second language, I figured it’d be an easy transition from one country to another. Every country and culture is different and English is widely spoken in the Netherlands already.

I had an advantage being out in the sticks, but the general consensus was “why speak English? We live in the Netherlands, you should speak Dutch.” It’s a fair point. 

When I moved to Italy as an expat I threw myself into my new job, work colleagues and language classes. Being a lovepat, on the other hand, often means no work at the beginning leading to a very slow monotonous day.

So, I decided to re-invent myself. I’ve thrown myself into my writing, which was a passion I let fall by the wayside for a while and now I can work remotely from home, the library even a little coffee shop somewhere. It means I can explore the Netherlands in the day which combats some of the loneliness that is part and parcel of moving as a lovepat. 

3Learning the lingo would be a piece of cake

Dutch is by no means an easy language to learn. Picking up Italian, some Polish and learning enough Slovak to speak to my mother-in-law didn’t make me a language expert.

If you were someone who took German at school then you might just about get by and make a connection between the two languages. I took French, and Latin languages will not help me here.

It is a case of persevering and taking it one day at a time. It really does help if you are able to make some Dutch friends, as they will speak to you in Dutch until you at least understand some of what they are saying to you. That’s if you can make Dutch friends…which brings me onto my next point.

2Making friends would come with the territory

I’m a British-born Caribbean woman. Brits are notoriously polite, some would say overly polite. The Dutch; not so much. They are abrupt and brash and can come off as downright rude to those who, at the beginning (myself included), simply don’t understand that it’s just their way.

Also, it is true that Dutch people really don’t appear to need more friends. It is often very difficult to break in to Dutch circles. The Dutch simply don’t feel like they need to invest in more friendships. Especially because the likelihood that an expat friend will move on in a few years is high. But if you are living in a smaller town, like myself and my partner, making Dutch friends is a must as the expat community becomes little to non-existent.

1The Netherlands may never be your home (and that’s okay)

It doesn’t matter how many places we move to. England will always be my home. I grew up there. My family are still there. My friendships are there. I knew I’d see less of my friends and family when making a permanent move, but I guess I figured a one-hour plane journey would be easy to do more frequently. I’ve managed to see my mum just three times this year, only one friend has made the journey to visit.

I have to realise that just because I moved doesn’t mean I could press the stopwatch on life in England. Life goes on. My friends have their lives to get on with. My family get busy and forget to call me once in a while. Christmas is strange, as they’re the smallest Christmas’s I’ve ever had and there won’t be any traditional Boxing Day madness with the whole family. So I’m set on making new traditions. Just me, my partner and our new dog.


Yes, moving for love and being a lovepat in the Netherlands is hard. A lot of sacrifices have to be made and you take for granted all the things you’ll miss and how much harder it is to make friendships as an adult.

But, on the plus side, I never thought I’d embrace the cold, wet and windy weather and still be smiling whilst pedalling full speed on the fietspad. I’m embracing the new adventures and taking the ups with the downs.

Are you a lovepat in the Netherlands? What did you take for granted when moving to the Netherlands? Let us know in the comments below!

Feature Image: Free Photos/Pixabay

10 COMMENTS

  1. If it helps, only one of my friends visited during the first year I lived in the Netherlands. Sometimes they have to get used to you actually being away.

  2. So true, I can resonate with all your points. Somehow it is so difficult to establish the kind of friendships we made back home even though back in Singspore where I grew up and came from, I too made alot of friends including expats easily there; bot sure why it’s so difficult here to make and establish those kind of friendships here with locals. It takes time. The hardest for me is to find job indeed. What I have earned as salary and position became not as valued here.

  3. Spanish living in Cologne for a year before moving to the Netherlands as a lovepat. You’ve summarized every single thing I’m scared of even though I know it will happen. I try not to take anything for granted, maybe the Kroketten, but that’s about it. I wish you luck and tons of patience. If you ever visit Brabant, it would be great to have coffee or a cuppa tea!

    • Maria,

      I haven’t been to Brabant, so I look forward to exploring it soon. Lovepat life is hard but we grow and learn at the same time. You will ge used to to it. I enjoy the Kroketten too. Thanks for the offer of a cuppa, I may just take you up on that someday.

  4. Hey Aisha,
    I’m a british lovepat too! So much of this resonated with me. My work is tricky here so i’ve turned to creating more art while i’ve been here which i can also do at home. It can be abit lonely and Hoorn is super far away but if you’re ever near nijmegen or tiel then we can grab a drink or go round a museum if you like (i know a great bicycle one – sounds boring but i actually loved it!) ?

  5. I met my wife in Australia nearly 5 years ago /i was born in Perth to Dutch parents who immigrated there after the war i am 67 years old . My wife was travelling in aust when we met and over the years we got married and i have been living here for 3 years full time now
    I agree with everything you say it is very hard to learn the language and break in here and make your own friends mainly through the language barrier , i do have family here from my mothers side who is still in aust but they all pretty much live their own lives
    I find the Dutch are always in a hurry on the road in the supermarket doesn’t matter where on the train etc etc etc I don’t know what the big rush is here / i find most Dutch people are very friendly but because the language barrier very hard to make new friends ,they would sooner talk to people who know their language than struggle to understand someone new

  6. Those problems are the same wherever you move as a lovepat.
    I experienced that as a Dutch person in California.

  7. Eleanor,

    My plan is to see more of the Netherlands this year. I shall take you up on that offer if ever I am that way. I also have found work tricky and have branched out into Work From Home ventures as well. Success with the art and I look forward to that museum bicycle ride soon.

  8. Until now i didn’t even know I was a lovepat! I’m polish and the cultural shock was the biggest in the field of hospitality. After 15 years here I can count my dutch friends on the fingers of 1 hand; most of my friends are expats. Learning Dutch was also an experience. My first dutch friend told me she is not paid to tutor me in Dutch and we can talk in Dutch when I’m better at it. What has helped (I reccommend it to everyone who wants to learn the language) was an organisation connecting dutch citizens 50+ with foreigners. My tutor is now my friend and for 8 years or so we meet weekly just to chat.

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