Imagine you’re at a bar sipping biertjes at an intimate gathering with friends, minding your own business. Still, the ear-splitting elephant in the room has gone unaddressed: Dutch music.
That’s right, people shakily sing in Dutch along to the notes of a tone-deaf melody, while thunderous music accompanies them. On purpose. Sometimes in front of crowds of people.
Without further ado, join us as we smile, weep, cover our ears, or wince our way through the key features of the, let’s say, niche, phenomenon that is Dutch music.
Why must the volume be cranked up til our ears bleed?
Ever been to a concert, music event, or bar — or even a department store in some cases — where they blast Spotify’s deafening “Top 50 Songs in the Netherlands” playlist?
Nee? Goed. Even if you don’t keel over in pain at the insane volume levels right away (which many of us do), you may find that you wake up the next day with a high-pitched ringing sound deep inside your tympanic membrane.
Except it’s not a mosquito in your room this time.
Instead, it’s our old friend tinnitus — a sign of permanent hearing damage.
That’s right, Dutch music volumes can be heard from several cities away, which leaves us sleep deprived, in physical pain, and is just plain maddening 🤪.
I slept for about 6 hours 'cause I woke up to a nearby school playing Dutch trance music with the volume at max.
— Jonathan (@Joe4evr) December 5, 2011
In 2016, the Amsterdam Medical Centre found that one in four Dutch people between the ages of 12 and 25 was suffering from hearing loss on some level.
The culprit? You guessed it. Prolonged periods spent listening to the ear-assault that is Dutch club music, as well as headphones and “portable music players”.
READ MORE | 11 Dutch songs to learn the language (and culture!)
This may explain why many Dutch people shamelessly wear earplugs at festivals or concerts, without sacrificing any “street cred” in the process.
To be fair, it’s not considered as uncool as in other countries where volume levels are, comparatively, mild and mellow.
Casually uncensored, super explicit lyrics
Dutch music artists and DJs really don’t hold back when it comes to the volume knob, or… the lyrics.
Maybe it’s because of that infamous Dutch directness, but Dutch song lyrics aren’t prone to subtlety, euphemisms or beating around the bush.
In fact, they tend to just go straight for the jugular. 🤬
Again, this is a headphone warning, but also a disclaimer to not play this song out loud, especially while a dear Dutch oma (grandma) is in earshot — although, hey, maybe she’ll love it.
Want to know what all the lyrics mean? Enter at your own risk.
To give you an idea, the song’s opening lyrics are: “Dit meisje heeft een leuk hoofd / Dit meisje heeft leuke functies / Ze maakt m’n hand overbodig”.
Translation: This girl has a nice head / This girl has nice functions / She makes my hand unnecessary. *shudder*
And we’re telling you, it only gets even grimier and more sexist from there. Eek.
READ MORE | 4 of the top concert venues in Amsterdam for rocking nightlife
Perhaps it’s good that not all of us can understand it. What we do know is that this type of distinctly Dutch vulgarity makes every other English-speaking rapper seem like an uptight vicar by comparison. 😵💫
The obstruction of judgement that is (trash) techno music
Take EDM or techno — a musical genre characterised by its synthesisers and drum machines — combine it with the Dutch flair for eardrum-bursting volumes, and voila: you have my personal nightmare 🙂.
Exhibit A: consider this youtube snippet down below…
(This is your headphone warning ahead of time. Try your best not to recoil or shudder.)
I mean, who could the core demographic of this…monstrosity, this music that gives you the wrong kind of goosebumps, possibly be?
As it turns out, all the 50,000 attendees present — most of whom presumably did book tickets by choice.
READ MORE | House music in the Netherlands: It’s a Dutch thing
At least there’s a silent disco after-party on Friday and Saturday to recuperate 🤷♀️.
These types of tasteless beats might be largely wordless, but we can sure as hell tell they’re Dutch since the Netherlands apparently really relishes festivals with “harder styles”.
Dutch indie music — it’s a thing, and it’s emotionally abusive
Want to avoid falling down the stairs, collapsing at the office, and curling up, sobbing, into a self-pitying foetal position?
Well, then, heed this advice: steer clear of Dutch indie music.
Those direct Dutch lyrics, croaky guttural sounds, and harsh consonants, somehow make for an even more brutal, grungey take on the genre you thought was hard-hitting enough in English.
READ MORE | 9 unmissable Dutch music festivals happening this summer
These tunes will strike a nerve in you that you didn’t know you had, get you right in your feels, and drive you into an existential soul-search, as you stare up at the ceiling while lying on your bedroom floor.
Never has anyone been so candid about the trials and tribulations of “de Schevenings leven” (Scheveningen life) :
Who says the breakdown can’t be taken to the dancefloor? Despite tackling subject matter like drug addiction, poverty, break-ups, and the football team Ajax, Dutch indie artists somehow manage to turn out gems that are upbeat to the point of being dance-able.
As you find yourself jumping up and down to the indie classics while strobe lighting washes over you, you’ll just have to fully embrace that crying-in-the-club aesthetic. It’s an emotional rollercoaster, and we just have to ask the Dutch — why? 😭
Nederpop: it’s good, it’s bad, it’s dangerously catchy
The rest of the world has also caught onto the fact that Nederpop, meaning Dutch pop music, has some bops and relentlessly catchy hidden gems.
That said, it can still be as vapid as the plastic pop churned out by any other country’s music industry. Case in point: remember that time the ridiculous Dutch summer banger “Ik Ga Zwemmen” went viral two years ago?
READ MORE | This Dutch summer folk song has gone viral, and it’s a bit ridiculous
But hey, who says we have to intellectualise or explain the fact that we’re listening to a catchy Dutch pop song from 2011 with a music video like the intro to a kids’ TV show — it’s just good, dammit.
Not only is it a bop, but it’s also about as catchy as scabies in a student house. For example, if you listen to the following song — especially if it’s three times in a row — you will be cursed.
Yep, it’s absolutely ridiculous — and it will definitely hold your mind hostage.
Expect to have it on replay in your head for at least another 48 hours. You’ll be left with fewer friends and family afterwards (because they just don’t get it, okay?)
Questionable Dutch remakes of English classics
In all fairness, why shouldn’t Dutchies have the right to belt out their favourite tunes in their native language? After all, it’s a privilege all English-speakers are spoiled by.
It’s not their fault they can’t claim Justin Bieber, Adele, or any other world-famous pop star as a Dutch national.
Instead, the British Empire out-colonising the Dutch in the 17th century is to blame for the fact that Ed Sheeran’s soppy English crooning makes for more of a universal hit song than, say, the Dutch tour de force, Drank en Drugs.
If either genuine or morbid curiosity compels you to listen to Dutch remakes of all the catchiest songs from the last decade (remember when Avicii was a thing), do check out this playlist:
It has everything from Harry’s Watermelon Sugar High, to Miley’s break-up anthem Flowers, to Tay-Tay’s relentlessly singable Anti-Hero.
Granted, Dutchies are probably more prone to dancing or crying to them than internationals, but some of them are… kinda good?
Some are even, dare we say, better than the original at points (we’re sorry, Harry Styles, if by some miraculous stroke of luck, you’re reading this, we love you).
Like any country’s musical body of work, Dutch songs are multifaceted. Some will have you in the throes of existential doom, some make for excellent angry workout music, while some Dutch music is best kept within the confines of a shower stall. 👀
Did these song samples leave you pleasantly surprised or give you the wrong kind of musical goosebumps? Let us know in the comments below!
The best music in history comes from Germany (Bach, Mozart, Beethoven).
Not Ed Sheeran or ABBA.
Dutch music is not creative, but you can hear every musical style in the world in the Netherlands.