Moving and living in a new country isn’t without its challenges, but perhaps the hardest challenge of all is leaving behind the life you created for yourself back “home.” Becoming an expat in the Netherlands is no less challenging.
Despite having lived in the Netherlands for almost five years, and not having actually lived in my hometown full-time since 2010, Plymouth will always be “home” for me.
It’s where I was born, where I learned to ride a bike (not well, obviously, and no one taught me how to simultaneously ride a bike whilst chatting on the phone after a few wines). It’s where I bought my first house, and where almost all of my family live.
And I am not alone. It’s estimated that 26.2% of the Netherlands’ population has a non-Dutch background.
So what is it that I’ve learned since becoming an expat in the Netherlands, and what advice would I give to myself five years ago?
1. Life goes on
Without fail, I visit my place of birth every Christmas, summer and most school holidays in between, and yet it surprises me every time when something has changed.
A new restaurant has opened, they’ve switched the lanes on the roundabout, that favourite nightclub has changed its name again… etc.
It’s almost as if I expect the city to stay exactly as it was when I left.
The same goes for people; just because their best friend/sister/school friend has moved away to another country doesn’t mean that there aren’t big changes happening in their lives.
READ MORE | Are you homesick in the Netherlands? Here’s what you can do about it
Life goes on. No one hits the pause button when you move away. People meet new friends, lovers, have children and get married. And you might end up missing it all.
Social media may get a lot of bad press, but for expats, it can be that link to friends and family. Being able to witness (through a screen) all the greatest moments of your friends and family members’ lives can make you feel less alone, though beware of the curse of FOMO!
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2. You will lose friends
There is an old saying that says you will have friends for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. And when you become an expat in a foreign country, for some friends, that reason to remain in contact isn’t there anymore.
Of course, this isn’t true for every friendship you have — if you put the effort in, those that want to be a part of your life will remain so.
Even so, it’s still hard sometimes. You may both have families to raise, 40-hour workweeks to contend with, and elderly parents to care for.
But friendships have been proven to be good for your health, so it’s definitely worth putting in the effort. I couldn’t imagine my life without all the amazing friends I’ve made in my life, both in the Netherlands and back in the UK.
3. Friends here become your family
If you just became an expat in the Netherlands and don’t have a ready-made support network, then the people you meet will become your village.
Friends are the ones who go on your child’s “in case of emergency” school contact form.
They pick you up from the garage when your car needs its APK. They are the ones you ring to babysit your other children when one is rushed to hospital.
READ MORE | Making Dutch friends as an international: our 21 best tips
The Dutch sometimes have a stereotype of being unapproachable and abrupt but don’t mistake that for “unhelpfulness.”
However, when you need them, they will be there. (Normally bearing bottles of wine! 🍷)
4. You finally understand Dutch directness
The Dutch are well known for being direct, in fact, a little too direct (but geen probleem, you just need to know how to respond).
And, for those of us Brits who have been brought up to not always say what we mean for fear of offending someone, it can be quite a culture shock.
When my husband first moved to the UK, his directness was taken for arrogance, but he was just being honest.
Though, perhaps, we Brits could learn a little from this Dutch character trait! In fact, think of how much more quickly we’d have moved along with Brexit if Theresa had actually told Donald Trump what she thought of him!
READ MORE | We asked readers about their experiences with the infamous Dutch directness
However, there is a fine line between being honest and being unkindMost Dutch people toe the line quite nicely, and it is we sensitive, polite expats who get too easily offended.
And not tiptoeing around a subject means there are no disillusions or misunderstandings, everyone knows where they stand with the Dutch!
5. Circle parties are the bane of your existence
Okay, so a slight exaggeration, but does anyone actually enjoy them?!
In case you are uninitiated to circle parties, an explanation might be in order.
Unlike birthday parties in other cultures, where the host and guests mingle around to talk to each other, Dutch circle parties involve sitting in a giant circle and talking to the people on either side of you.
READ MORE | 9 Dutch birthday traditions that’ll confuse the heck out of internationals
You arrive and greet the host (three kisses, of course) and then go and find the birthday boy/girl to congratulate them. Then you need to congratulate their spouse, then their children, then their parents and brothers and sisters, and finally any friends.
And then out comes the taart (pie), which you eat with a cup of tea or coffee.
Small talk continues with an aunty you’ve not seen since the last circle party until the sausage, cheese and crisps are brought out, along with something fris (fresh) to drink.
And when that clock strikes 7 PM, you are outta there like a shot, with the relief that you won’t have to suffer through another one until the next birthday.
6. Learning a new language is hard
I never thought when I finished GCSE French that I would ever have to learn another language again.
Despite being fairly bright, languages were just never my thing. And then I fell in love with a Dutchie, and we moved to the Netherlands, and I HAD to learn a new language.
Dutch — bloody Dutch, with its guttural G’s and rolling R’s, and verbs at the end of the sentence.
READ MORE | How to learn Dutch: the ultimate guide (by people who learned!)
But perseverance, a language course three times a week, and daily viewing of Jeugdjournaal won though and now when my friends fill me in on the latest gossip, I don’t have to sit like a mute in the corner: I can actually join in!
And what a joy it is to be able to communicate with people in Nederlands and not have them immediately revert to English when they detect an accent.
That being said, it is a lot harder than I’d imagined, and even though I can’t ever imagine feeling that I’m 100% fluent, Ik doe mijn best (I do my best).
7. Becoming an expat in the Netherlands may not be the life you’d planned
And you know what, that’s not a bad thing.
In fact, I’d go as far as to say that living an unplanned life is the best one. Like an animal in the wild learning to adapt to its new surroundings, you’ve proved just how resilient you are.
Give yourself a huge pat on the back for making this leap of moving to the Netherlands, learning a new language, and ingratiating yourself into a whole new culture.
Not many people could do it — some people may have thought you’d fail and be back within three months.
READ MORE | This expat’s TikToks about weird Dutch habits went viral (because they’re relatable AF!)
But even with the dutch directness and hell that are circle parties, the life in the Netherlands is pretty good.
Becoming an expat in the Netherlands wasn’t such a bad choice after all. While you will always have a little piece of you back in your place of birth, home is really where the heart is. And my heart is in the Netherlands.
What are some of the challenges you faced when you decided to become an expat in the Netherlands? Let us know in the comments!
As a Dutch girl living in Malta, I get exactly the same questions! Some even from fellow expats, with disgust in their eyes “why would you leave The Netherlands to live HERE?” (These people feel they came from a worse country, whereas I came from a better one????)
After having spent so many times explaining in detail why I fell madly in love with this little rock in the mediterranean, I have given up and diverted to the stupid but short answer of “the weather is so much better!”
Loved reading this, how I long to be back in Amsterdam, I have now been 60 Years in Australia, but I love my Holland as much as 60 yrs ago,
You think your royal ass is entitled but you are not, I dont come to your house and put my shoes on the couch and start rubbing, you are nothing to us, we dont need your tourism nor money so keep that in mind.
I find the directness of the Dutch the most difficult to cope with. My son is the expat, married to an American in Amsterdam. I am a Brit it so pro-European but I smile at the airport staff at Schiphol and they look at me like I’m a terrorist. Just can’t get used to it. Worse than anywhere else! The Uber drivers are so lovely but they’re all foreigners. ! Work that one out! A lot of shop and cafe/restaurant staff are really friendly too. Perhaps I’m a bit Uber-sensitive? Or a bit too British small-c conservative!!
The most challenging part is still learning the language! I am an Indian , moved from the US to the Netherlands for the company I was working for, back in the US. My work does not leave me with much time to spare on learning the language, and basically , I am like a “mute” ( as you mentioned above) sitting at the corner of these parties !
Such a nicely balanced and well written piece. I enjoyed it very much. I reflect that so many of my challenges, frustrations and struggles in adapting to my ‘new life’ in The Netherlands are down to me, not my hosts or the country that I CHOSE to call my home. Your article is written in the same tone, and I appreciated that. BEDANKT!