Dating a Dutch man: 7 deadly mistakes to avoid

A female friend and sometimes running partner of the shallow man, was having a massage in a place in the Rivierenbuurt. She was behind a curtain, having a good massage, when she heard a voice in English asking one of the staff, “what kind of massage do you provide here?” The staff member responded “pressure point massage.” The English voice asked “what other kinds of massage?” To which the response was, “pressure point massage.” The inquisitive chap on the other side of the curtain pressed on. “Do you do body to body massage?” the voice of the staff member was now getting louder, “we do normal massage.” The English voice pressed on and finally got to the point, “what about a happy ending?” At which point the response was “you dirty man, you get out now!” Which brings me to the subject of today’s post.

happy ending
The shallow man has met many an expat lady that have been on dates with Dutch men that have not led to happy endings. Several disappointed, international antelope, have asked me where they went wrong in their pursuit of the Dutch lion. The shallow man, is, as always, sensitive to the needs of his expat flock. Therefore, at considerable risk to my bespoke tailored three piece suit wearing self, I have put together a list of deadly mistakes to avoid when dating Dutch men. My advice will no doubt upset some, and if I am captured by a posse of angry Dutch men with lion king hairstyles and am forced to sit through hours of music from Tiesto, Fedde La Grand and Armin van Buuren, i’ll look into the eyes of my enemies and shout, sodemieter op,  jullie domme kakkers!  The things I do for my readers!

Dating a Dutch man, the shallow man’s advice

Dutch men, are probably the luckiest of their species on planet earth. I say this simply because, Dutch women, in spite of often dressing as if the Netherlands has a permanent power outage, and they can only choose what to wear in the dark, are amongst the most beautiful women that you’ll see anywhere in the world.

Of course there are certain exceptions...
Of course there are certain exceptions… (source: lol@dutchpeople)

That in itself would be reason enough for every Dutch male to get down on their hands and knees and thank God, Buddah or Allah that they are lucky enough to be born here, but they have an even better reason to be blissfully happy. Dutch women are, in the opinion of the shallow man, the most predatory women on planet earth. The Dutch female selects the man she is interested in with the precision of a special forces sniper, aiming at a target.

The Dutch female is often not particularly interested or fazed by the fact that their target could be married, in a relationship or even as the shallow man has witnessed with his own eyes, have their girlfriend present. The Dutch ladies are relentless once they have set their sights on a target. This in turn has led to the Dutch male being one of the laziest when it comes to chasing women, as generally they don’t really need to. The antelope calls the shots and the Lion simply needs to drink his biertjes and wait to be hunted.

Because of this, expat women, often end up making the following deadly mistakes when on a first date with a Dutch male.

Deadly dating mistake number 1

Flirting. In many countries it’s quite normal during the course of a date to flirt with each other. Dutch men, used as they are to having antelope served to them on a denim covered plate, have missed out on this vital part of human relations during their development to adulthood. Dutch women, are often very blunt in their intentions and don’t waste time with such things as flirting.


There’s some truthiness on the Dutch in this realistic movie

If a woman flirts with a Dutch man the likely response will be “so are we going to your place or mine?” no starter, or main course just a sprint through to dessert.

Deadly dating mistake number 2

The shallow man is risking a storm of abuse by bringing this up again, but, I’ve been told repeatedly by expat women, even as recently as yesterday (thank you Vittoria) that Dutch men are tighter than a virgin female flea. When out with a Dutch man on a first date, you could be having a lovely evening. He may even have made an attempt at flirting, romance is in the air, everything is looking promising until……….., the bill arrives. The previously charming Dutchmen then breaks out into a cold sweat and looks at the bill, at you, at the bill, then at you again, and there is a silence so deep that you can hear the female mice in the cafe coughing. (Due to smoking, they are Dutch after all).

dutch-meme

Do not under any circumstances expect him to pay your part of the bill. This is indeed a deadly mistake, if you are hoping to see your Dutch lion again, be a good antelope and suggest quickly that you’ll split the bill. If you are hoping for a happy ending that night, pay the entire bill, he’ll be so overjoyed he might even propose marriage.

Dutch tightness

Deadly dating mistake number 3

Due to the Dutchman’s love of money, they will not be impressed if during your date that you order bottled water or even worse pellegrino, which is the Ferrari of bottled water and is not cheap. Your date will immediately assess you as being high maintenance, while he drinks his glass of tafel water.

Deadly dating mistake number 4

Dressing up. The Dutch male is used to the fashion sense of the “doe maar gewoon normaal” Dutch female. In other words, denim, shapeless boots, a top that clashes so badly with the rest of the outfit that you’d think Stevie Wonder was their personal stylist, and hair that would make a perfect nest for any passing bird.

Dutch female hairstyle

If you, as an expat woman, turn up for your date, as is normal in most countries, in a nice outfit, stylishly cut shoes, makeup and styled hair, your Dutch date will have a minor heart attack. He is likely to ask you what that stuff is on your face, and if you are planning to attend a wedding after the date. The shallow man advises that on the day of the date, that you put your TV on Nederland een, between 7 and 9 and watch Vandaag de Dag. Look at how poorly dressed the presenters of this show are and simply copy them. That is what passes for high fashion here. Your date will love you and not fear for the money in his wallet. If you really want to make him feel comfortable, wash your hair prior to the date and don’t bother drying it, this drives the Dutch male crazy with passion.

disaster

The shallow man

Would like to thank all of the ladies that were kind enough to share your tales of dating woe with me. For the remaining deadly sins you’ll have to purchase my soon to be released book on dating.

Stevie Wonder was not hurt during the writing of this article.

The shallow man guide to dating the Dutch is now available from this site as an ebook

Dating the Dutch

Till next time, hou je bek!

36 COMMENTS

  1. Dutch women are one of most beautiful women in the world?!?! WTF, has the author of this text ever been abroad?!

    • You have to understand that many dutchies have never left their land. Let alone going/living abroad. They even consider lying on their backyard is “vakantie” LOL

    • I’ve travelled a fair bit in my time and I stand by that statement. Dutch women are beautiful, badly dressed, but beautiful.

  2. If he agrees to pay the bills, you really have to consider yourself lucky cause that offer is valid on the first date only!

  3. The question is why would any expat women WANT a Dutch man? (we are not talking about reasons like visa, etc.)

    • because they are more (I’m EU no need for visa). I guess my dutch classmates must be crazy about me today after showing up with the hair shown above and huge trainers matched-not so much- with skinny jeans.

  4. Gosh what a poor article, mostly some dull cliches, generalisations and stereotypes really, which would be fine if at least it was funny, but it isn’t..I wonder what limited number and type of people the author is basing his superficial views on?
    Some women can indeed be blunt, maybe emancipation can be blamed for that. Perhaps it wasn’t all that great, as the popularity of shows like Mad men illustrates; we seem to miss the traditional type of man that makes all the money, is dominant, even when he cheats.. It’s the case for the whole western world though, Scandinavia, Sweden most of all, men are taught from childhood that there is no difference so why bother? But then again, is Putin’s homophobic, macho type an attractive alternative?
    As for fashion sense, well again it depends on the type of people, whether the date is more casual or to a high end place, et cetera. And let’s be honest, it’s not that most English girls we see in the city or in our summer holidays aren’t dressed poorly…;/

    • I fully agree with
      you; dull cliches, generalisation and stereotypes and unfortunately not even funny.

      You make two good
      points as well furthermore in your comment, firstly about the traditional men,
      emancipation, and using Putin as an example! Secondly about the dress style
      depending on the occasion.

  5. I am happily dating a Dutchman but I did laugh out loud at parts of this article! In particular at the mention that San Pellegrino is the Ferrari of water, and that not drying your hair prior to the date would drive him crazy with passion – I think I’ll try that with my boyfriend this evening and report back :p

  6. i agree with Lou83; dull cliches, generalisation and stereotypes put into a badly written
    article by an seemingly cocky man who yet doesn’t dare to reveal his face
    (facebook profile without a face?).

    The first paragraph
    is already a ridiculous introduction to the apparent topic of this article.
    What does an English speaking man (so probably a tourist else he’d speak Dutch)
    in some massage place somewhere in Amsterdam have to do with expats dating a
    man who is from the Netherlands? A comparison: Somewhere in a certain area in a
    certain country a man told another man that yesterday he ate an apple (hier
    j’ai mangé une pomme), which brings me to the subject that Simon Woolcot is a
    lame writer. Those two things are completely related right?

    And would you honestly
    think that a non-Dutch man who i believe dates women and not men, could give
    expat women proper advise on how to date a Dutch man? I hardly think so. His
    advise: “Look at how poorly dressed the presenters of this show are
    and simply copy them”, so basically he’s saying do not put any effort into
    your appearance, believe me that this is NOT something that will impress your
    Dutch date, and will probably result in an unsuccessful date and you’ll end up
    whining about it just as Simon Woolcot is doing in this article.

    In general this
    article seems like the product of an upset / begrudged man (probably failed at impressing his beautiful Dutch date with his self-convinced amazing impeccable dating skills) who wanted to blow
    off some steam, and did so with this contemptible stigmatisation. A pity that he
    felt the need to share it with the world and in my opinion a shame to all
    writers that this man dares to publish books.

    With all due
    respect, if i see someone with one of his books i’d throw the book to the
    ground and wipe the dirt of my shoes off on it like a doormat, oh and not just
    normal shoes, no “”my bespoke tailored three
    piece suit matching shoes”” (oh the conceitedness, i almost vomited a
    little), and then i’ll tell the person who was holding the book to shame on
    them and to read some intellectual literature instead.

    • hahahaha!!! Brilliant. Thank you “disappointed reader” for taking the time to write this. It appears that my article has upset you, and that you take it a lot more seriously than most. I suggest that you make yourself a nice glass of warm milk, eat some cookies and increase the dosage of whatever medication you’re on, as it’s obviously not helping.

    • Thank you for this comment. It fully describes my outrage about this article…. It’s like properly bad! I usually expect better articles on here.

  7. I live in America, in a city called New Holland which is full of Dutch settlers. I’ve dated 3 Dutch Americans from here and can safely say that they are the most superficial, arrogant, self centered A-holes on the face of this planet. And they are all hung like horses but cannot last in bed more than 5 pumps. THEY ARE SO CHEAP AND SELFISH!!!! They also see women as objects to cook and clean for them like slaves and to get off on. I will NEVER date another Dutchman for as long as I live!

  8. I’m not an expat, but I’ve dated two Dutchmen (after another) in long-distance relationships.

    Specimen 1 seemed to obviously be flirting with me when we started talking, but later it turned out that he had thought that was only normal talk. He also had enough hair for a bird family to live in.
    Specimen 2 might not have been a Dutchie at all. He paid for our bill after dinner in a restaurant several times. Maybe a Belgian in disguise?

    Currently trying to stay away from the Dutchies or else my family and friends will never stop making fun of me for only dating Dutchies.

  9. In the Netherlands gender roles have been totally switched vice versa, I must say I do not like it that much and from my “dutchie” I am expecting rather classical roles. I do not want to be “I can do everything” woman. Equality does not mean that women are manly and man become womenly, it is highly unatractive.

  10. Being dutch and being in a relationship with an extremely beautiful french woman, I must admit the dutch really have no clue whatsoever. Where it comes to dressing up, food, hygiene, romance, you name it, men are handicapped and women even more. I’m still learning , I made millions of mistakes, I still do. and it doesnt come easy. What you will find in a southern european woman you will never find in a nordic woman

  11. Ha this is funny. I just don’t agree with how tight us Dutch people are.. I am definitely not, and I have never ever had a date where I had to pay the bill. I usually do after the first date because gender equality and all, but they always decline a few times. I think most Dutch men do like to pay for the date, it’s kind of a oldfashioned thing anyway, but I never experienced otherwise!?!

  12. It is in the genes. I am Dutch, been in the US for 40 years. Still wear jeans most of the time, run out the door with wet hair (also because I gave my hair dryer to a friend and never bought another one) and prefer to pay my half of the bill. Last lipstick I bought was um…errr….oh hey. Well, can’t remember.

  13. Dutch women cut their hair short and don’t do make up after they are married, remember this, they got their price.

  14. Well, one thing is for sure. Wherever you’re coming from, do not change the way you are just to adapt to the dutch way. The dutch way isn’t such a peach way to be. I am not saying it is bad, but I have the feeling people kinda tend to worship it and to my knowledge, there’s nothing so sensational about it.

    I am dating a Dutch man by accident (I just found out recently he is Dutch :)) kidding). He is so much into the non-dutch way just because the Dutch ways are ” predictable, boring and lack fun and excitment”. That is what he says.

    A few days ago while talking about how we should set up our finances since we’re buying a house together, he told me that he doesn’t know how come was he dating a boring Dutch woman for so long.
    Even though is difficult for him to get to the point that all money come together in the same bank account and we’ll share that too. Hihi

    So for everyone out there, be yourself. It’s not a bad thing to wait for the man to pay the bill, to open the door for you, to be pampered.

    We women and men are equal of course, but we are fundamentally different. So let’s enjoy this diversity and be feminine, fashionable, smart, fun and crazy. And happy with ourselves.

    Kisses

  15. Jesus what an poorly written article.. You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about are you? Most articles on here I really enjoy, but this must be the worst I’ve read so far.

  16. I get approached a lot by dutch men (I’m an African American expat here) and I’m very fem, dress up, wear high heels and a full face of makeup. I refuse to chase men nor have I ever offered to split a bill. It’s never been an issue. You teach people how to treat you. I’ll go 50/50 with a guy when he can carry a baby and give birth 50% of the time.

  17. In all fairness, a lot of this is pretty accurate.

    BrEx-Pat here who has been living in Europe for 7+ years and NL for 3, with a Dutch boyfriend for around 6 of that…sorry but these traits are accurate and carry through into long-term into relationships.

    Brutal.

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