An Open Letter to Staphorst… From the Lord Thy God!

Dear people of Staphorst and like-minded Bible belts,

Verily, I am the Lord thy God and I sayeth unto thee: I am one who publishes slowly. In fact, my last book came out two-thousand years ago. Technically, it was scrabbled together somewhere in the third century, but who giveth a fornication? Hast thou published a best-seller that sold a bazillion copies and has been translated into almost three thousand languages? I thinketh not. So there’s that. No sit thee down, shutteth up and listeneth: things are bad. I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows they are bad. Worse than bad. They’re crazy. It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we’re living in is getting smaller. All we see is ‘Please, just leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted… ‘

Oh wait.

I just got so excited that I starteth to quote the most awesome thing ever created since, well, Creation (thou art welcome for that, by the way). Let me starteth over.

Things are a little crazy, verily, but not all things are equally crazy. In fact, craziness seemeth to be more concentrated in certain places. Craziness tends to breed in certain places, and speaking of inbreeding… just what is happening over yonder in the Dutch Bible-Belt? People refuse to vaccinate their offspring for measles, lest they go against My teachings? Me damnit! Verily, be this the Year of Me 2013, or what? How can we explaineth that in one of the most developed and prosperous nations on the planet, we haveth near 250,000 souls who refuseth vaccinations in My name? Verily, these people who hath read My book knoweth that I am no doctor. My bestseller doth has a lot to say about morality and even had some of the most wicked soft-porn until Fifty Shades of Grey cameth around (knoweth that I just got back from Hell where I told Old Lucy to turn up the heat in the section where readers of that pulp are headed!!!). But in the medical advice department, my lack of skills showeth. Verily, when thou hath a serious skin disease, My sole advice to thee was to go see a priest, tear thine clothes and scream at the top of thy lungs just how sick thou art. I said that two and a half millennia ago and some of thee still believeth that. No way? Yahweh!

Verily, we blameth not ignorant peasants who hath little to go on for lack of antibiotics and the like, but when thou livest in the 21st century and thou hast cable TV and Internet, even I doth lose my patience. I hath created and can understood the infinity of space and time, but thee, oh mortals, I understandeth not. Let me ask thou, inhabitants of Staphorst and the like, does thou wear seatbelts when thou drivest one of thine self-moving vehicles? Or does thou lock thine door when thou leavest thine house? Well then, so much for trusting in me! And thou hast not learned from history either, for lo! in the year of Me 1971, thou hath passively euthanized five of thine children by not giving them vaccination. History doth repeat itself, eh? Well, only when thou let it repeat itself.

So let Me be short and clear here: verily, never hath I told thee to refuse medication simply because it required thee to puncture thine skin with a needle. And never hath I asked mortals to let children die from a preventable disease in order to appease the gods. When the consequences of thine religious beliefs soundeth like the summary of a Stephen King novel, mayhaps it is time to reconsider. And even if I had told thee just that, so what?! Nothing stops thee from ignoring undeniably bad advice, regardless from whence it comes. But mayhaps thine “clear conscious” is thee worth more than the lives of thine children.


Verily, in touch we shall remain.

Thine truly, The Lord Thy God



P.S.: Also, I don’t exist.

Frank Kool
Frank Kool
Born and raised in Holland, spent his time procrastinating and studying Psychology and Philosophy. Frank harbors a special interest in weird social phenomena (which are ALL social phenomenon if you think about them long enough).


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